Let's talk about body image.
This is something I really struggle with. I always have. It's not just a post-baby thing, and, yes, I know my baby is eight years old.
When I was little I was a gymnast. I was tiny, I was fast and I had some pretty awesome upper body strength. I was selected for team. My mom was all for it until they told her that her eight year old daughter had to go on a diet and lose weight. She said there was no way it was going to happen and I didn't do gymnastics for very long after that.
As I got older, I discovered my love for Irish dance. I began taking classes and I began competing. I was good, I learned quickly and I proved it in competitions. It became the only thing I wanted to do and I dedicated myself to dancing as often as I could, even if it was down the aisles at the grocery store and irritating the heck out of my parents.
In middle school, everything changes. Your body changes. Your hormones kick in. You start thinking more about how you look to other people. You find small things about yourself that you don't like. You criticize yourself for things you can't necessarily change.
I was an awkward kid with bangs and glasses. I never felt pretty enough. I never felt good enough. I never felt smart enough. But I was thin.
I didn't like the mole on my right cheek. I didn't like the way my hair looked. I didn't like my nose. But I was thin.
As I progressed through middle school, I began to focus more and more on how thin I was. I wouldn't eat breakfast. Then I wouldn't eat lunch. Then I would lie and tell my Mom that I had eaten a big lunch so I wouldn't have to eat a snack after school. And I ate a few bites of dinner.
I wanted to make sure I stayed thin. It was all I had going for me.
When I started high school, I got contacts. I had grown a little bit, so I wasn't so awkward. I had changed the way I parted my hair and grown out my bangs. I felt like a completely different person, yet still I felt like I wasn't enough.
But I was still thin.
I started my freshman year of high school weighing 95lbs. I started my sophomore year weighing just over 100lbs. I was 5'5" tall. I was a walking twig.
My junior year everything changed. I was pregnant. I became a wife and a mother. I moved across the country.
I was allergic to my own daughter and my pregnancy showed it. Our blood-types were incompatible. I gained 75lbs when I was pregnant. I gained the last 50lbs of it in the last eight weeks.
I wasn't thin anymore.
After Kaley was born, I immediately dropped about 30lbs. I was sitting somewhere around 150lbs. I hated myself. I hated every inch of myself. But I had just moved across the country and I had no idea what to do. I tried dancing when I could, but I didn't have enough space. I tried walking around the neighborhood, but Kaley would scream every time a plane flew over head. Pinterest didn't exist and I was 17 years old with no idea how to take care of myself.
Just before Kaley turned two, her father and I separated. Then and there I decided it was time for a change. I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to be happy. I was determined to get to a point where I was happy with my body again. I started going to the gym and working out. I began running a few years later.
In the last six years my weight has fluctuated. I started off with the goal of weighing 120lbs. But after a while I realized that probably wouldn't be the healthiest goal. So I decided I wanted to weigh somewhere around 135lbs and feel good about myself.
I reached that goal. I reached the goal a few years ago. But I still didn't feel good about myself, so I kept working at it. I tried desperately to reach my new goal of 125lbs. I managed to get to 127lbs, but I still didn't feel good about myself.
What did it come down to? The bulge at my lower belly and my love handles.
That was a year ago.
Today I still have the bulge at my lower belly and I still have my love handles. Despite going to the gym almost religiously. Despite all of the running and the clean eating I've done. They are still there, though the love handles are finally starting to go away.
A little over a month ago I went to MEPS to process my enlistment for the U.S. Army. While I was there, the doctor had to examine my C-Section scar so they could document it. As she was examining my scar, she noted the bulge at my lower belly. And she completely changed my perception of myself.
The bulge at my lower belly? That's something that will always be there. It's a result of how they stitched me up after my C-Section. It's something that will never go away, no matter how hard I work to get rid of it. It's just going to be there.
Now when I look in the mirror and I see that bulge, it doesn't bother me as much. I worked hard to try and get rid of it and I got discouraged on more than one occasion because it was so stubborn. But now I know it's just a part of me and I feel so much better about myself.
Body image is huge in society today. Society tells everyone that they should be thin and they should eat clean and they should do everything they can to get rid of every weird bump on their body. Society doesn't want to see the beauty behind child birth. They want the model who can go from 9 months pregnant to stick thin in twenty-four hours. But that's not real life.
I'm not going to stand in front of the mirror and berate myself for having a lower belly bulge anymore. I'm not going to stand on the scale and hate myself for gaining two pounds.
I am going to live. I am going to work out, and I am going to eat right and I am going to be healthy.
But I am not going to strive to be society's healthy.
I am not going to strive to be as thin as the girls on the covers of magazines.
I am going to be MY healthy.
I am going to be MY happy.
