Not too long ago I sat down and I wrote a post. I wrote about pain and struggle. I wrote about strength and supportive family and friends. At that point in time that was really all I could write about. Everything else hurt too much to begin to put into words. Or at least into more words than one can type in an Instagram caption.
But I woke up today and felt the need to write. I feel like it is time to put into words the things that I am struggling to put behind me. I feel like I need to start telling my story a little bit more.
I could start at the beginning. But that would be way more than I feel is absolutely necessary. Especially considering that a large portion of the relationship is already documented in this blog if you read back far enough.
Honestly, I should have seen all of this coming a long time ago. I should have paid attention and seen the signs. I should have focused on the issues we were having instead of brushing them under the rug to deal with later. I could have saved myself, and my daughter, a lot of heart ache and tears. But we all make mistakes and we all want to believe in fairy tales. It just so happens that my fairy tale turned into a nightmare.
There were always little things in our relationship that bothered me. His need to be with me all the time. His need to have his way all the time. The way he worked systematically to remove some of my closest friends from my life. The way he thought my daughter's medical issues didn't exist. The way he spoke about some of my family members. Those things always bothered me, but I thought we would work on them in time.
Well, I tried to work on them. Once we moved to my first duty station and had a place of our own, I tried to work on them. I spent months begging him to go to counseling with me to work on some of these things. I told him repeatedly that I didn't want to listen to him talk down about my family members anymore. I constantly told him of my dreams for my career in the military and he shot them down at every turn. I asked continuously for him to help out around the house because I was working full time and couldn't do everything on my own. I reminded him that the friends he didn't want me to have had been my friends longer than I had known him and he didn't have to trust them, only me.
But to no avail. Every argument ended with an ultimatum- his way or he would leave. So for months I chose to let it be his way. I did everything myself, I didn't talk to my friends, I put my career goals on hold, I bottled up every emotion I had and held them all deep inside. I put on a mask every day when I went to work. No one had any idea how bad it was at home.
No one knew that we fought at least every other day. No one knew that he would get so angry and upset that he would punch walls or furniture. No one knew that he would throw things across the room. No one knew how terrified I was that one day he would hit me or my daughter. I kept all of that a secret. Because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Because to everyone else he was such a happy guy with an awesome sense of humor who never let anything get to him.
I started realizing how truly awful the situation was when I went TDY a couple months ago. I spent two weeks out of town, but I called and texted as often as I could. But then one night I was going through my Facebook and realized that I had several people listed as blocked. Except I had never blocked them. I never would have blocked them. Because these people were some of my closest friends.
At that point there was only one explanation- he had blocked them. And then everything came crashing down. I realized how deeply I had been hurting for the last several months, if not years. I realized how much he had crushed my soul. I realized that I had been walking around for months feeling like a broken spirit inside a human shell. I realized I wasn't myself. I wasn't happy or optimistic. I wasn't enjoying the things I used to love. I wasn't living life the way I had always envisioned I would.
And I realized that I didn't have to live my life that way.
After that, everything began to unfold. I was able to tug at strings and unravel numerous lies. I was able to contact people and confirm that what he said was not true. I was able to see clearly the depths of his deception and how many lies he had told to cover other lies. I was shocked at the lengths he went to in order to keep me from finding things out. And I was hurt that he felt it was ok to do that to me.
Over the course of the next three weeks our relationship dissolved into nothing. I asked him to move out of my house when I realized that his presence was having a physical effect on me. I wasn't sleeping, I was hardly eating, I was constantly shaking and on edge all the time. My own home had become an unhealthy environment for me and that was not ok. I couldn't feel that unhealthy or that unsafe in my home and still expect my daughter to be comfortable there. So I asked him to leave. And, thankfully, he did.
Since then I have been able to uncover more lies and discover more truths than I ever thought possible. I have realized how toxic my marriage was and I am working to heal the scars that are hidden deep in my soul. I am using Instagram and Facebook as outlets for my pain. I am not hiding anymore. I am sharing my story and I am finding strength within myself.
I know I have the potential to be so many things in this life. I know I am capable of reaching my goals and then going even further. All those things he said I couldn't do- become an Officer, talk to my friends, trust my family? I'm going to do them. Because he can't dictate my life anymore. He can't make me feel small anymore. He can't force me to shrink myself or to be less than myself anymore. He can't control me anymore.
There is still a lot of pain left to work through. Every day is still a struggle. Sometimes I find myself thinking through it all and wondering if maybe he was right and I'm just crazy for thinking all of this. But those are the moments I pick up the phone and I call someone who will remind me that I'm not crazy and that what he did, what he is still trying to do, is not ok.
I am left with a lot of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth issues. I struggle to believe in myself some days. I struggle to see myself for the amazing person everyone says that I am. I struggle to understand just how far I can go in life. It's hard to see the bright side of the future when you've been told it's dark for so long.
But I know I will get there one day. I will survive this. I will find strength and peace within myself. And I will be happy. Completely happy.
Because I deserve nothing less.
I know there are people in this world who will read this and think I should just "get over it". There are people who won't believe a word of what I write. There are people who will go out of their way to convince others I'm lying or I'm crazy or I'm just seeking attention.
But they haven't experienced what I'm feeling. They haven't walked a mile in my shoes.
So talk all you want.
I'll just be over here.
Surviving emotional abuse.
