Deserve to be Loved

"My name is Christine and I deserve to be loved."

 

Not too long ago things began changing in my life. I realized that I was living in a marriage that couldn't even be called a marriage anymore. I realized that I was putting everyone else ahead of myself. I realized that I was accepting less than I should in life. I realized that I was putting up with way more than any person should ever be asked to put up with. I realized I was pouring out everything I had into a relationship that was going nowhere, a job that doesn't make me happy and a life that I wasn't proud of.

 

This is not the kind of life I wanted to live. I remembered being a girl with goals and dreams. I remembered being a girl who believed in love. I remembered being a girl who didn't want to settle anymore.

 

But I realized that I was settling. I had given up on my goals and my dreams. I had given up on love.

 

All because of a person. And that wasn't the right answer.

 

 

So a few months ago I began taking back my life and living for myself. I started taking care of myself, eating healthy again and going hard at the gym and taking the time to heal the pain in my hip. I started spending as much time with my daughter as I can and doing new things with her. I discovered a love for hiking and nature that I didn't know existed inside of myself. I re-discovered a love for shooting. I started looking towards my future with my daughter and thinking about the example I wanted to set for her. I began to set goals for myself again.

 

I've spent a lot of time thinking about my life and what I want for myself.

 

I still want a career. I still want adventure. I still want happiness. I still want love.

 

And that's where I get stuck. Because over the past few months I have come to really understand myself. I've come to understand why it is that I settle and why I put up with so much from the people that I enter into relationships with. I've come to understand what goes through my head that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and my own ability to love.

 

At the core of my being, I don't feel as though I deserve to be loved.

 

That statement is me, in a nutshell.

 

 

And that belief, that feeling, that understanding is what keeps me from being in a successful relationship. I run from the people who I feel could love me with that unconditional love that is a true characteristic of a deep and meaningful relationship. I literally run.

 

I've done it twice. A few weeks of talking, and a few dates into it, I'm running for the hills. I convince myself that the relationship would never work for reasons x, y, and z. I tell myself that I don't like them or that I'm not at a point in my life where I can be in a relationship. I push all of my feelings inside myself and I ignore them until they go away and I tell them it just isn't going to work for me.

 

Now why I feel this way goes a long ways back. I know what it stems from, and I know that it is not something I could control. I am working on moving past all of this. I am trying to believe that I am a person who deserves to be loved.

 

I've never felt like I really fit in anywhere. I always felt like an outsider. I wasn't in band, I didn't play sports, I wore glasses and I was thin and awkward. I didn't belong to the "in crowd" but I wasn't really an "outcast". I guess you could say I sort of fit in a little bit of everywhere. But who really wants to hang out with a group of people that you don't really feel like you belong with? I'd rather just be a misfit and do my own thing. 

 

 

There are so many people in my life who are constantly telling me that I am amazing and beautiful and kind and generous. They tell me that I'm worthy of being loved and that I shouldn't settle for anyone who wants to dull who I am or make me feel small. They tell me that I am wonderful and that I deserve to have someone wonderful in my life.

 

Part of me wants to believe them. Part of me wants to hear truth in their words. But then there's this voice in my head that says they are wrong and that it's all a lie. This voice tells me I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not important enough, not worthy of love.

 

I am fighting that voice with everything I have. I am spending a lot of time and energy to force that tiny little voice to just go away. I am trying to believe that I am a person who deserves the life and the love she has always dreamed of.

 

 

I'm starting with the line I wrote at the beginning of this post.

 

"My name is Christine and I deserve to be loved."

 

Here's to hoping that one day I actually believe it.

I Wasn't Sad

A couple of weeks ago I had a conversation with an old friend. I have been friends with her for over a decade. We have had our fair share of ups and downs, just like most friendships do. But despite the lows (and, oh, there have been lows) she still remains a dear friend whom I will care for always.

Our most recent conversation really hit home for me, though. She said that though her and her husband had only recently separated, she had been mourning her marriage for six months. She wasn't sure if she wanted to move on, or even if she was quite ready. But she had done her mourning, even while he was still living at home.

After a period of reflection over the course of several days I came to realize why this statement had struck a chord with me. It's because I, too, had done my mourning for a love lost while I was still existing in my marriage. I was stuck in a routine, doing what I had to do to get through each day, just taking the verbal and emotional abuse because I didn't feel as though I had any other option. But I wasn't invested in my marriage the way that I should have been.

For three years I supported him, I encouraged him, I challenged him, I saw potential in him, I believed in him, and I sacrificed for him.

I did all of these things for him, only to find out he wouldn't do the same for me. Over time it became abundantly clear that I was not going to receive from him what I was giving. I loved someone who didn't love me back in the same way.

Maybe I was a comfortable life. Maybe I was an easy way out. Maybe I was a get out of jail free card of sorts. I'm not sure what exactly what I was to him. But I know I wasn't someone to love.

I knew all of these things a year ago. And, honestly, that should have been the end of us. It almost was. We had an awful fight the night before I flew home from Arizona and he threatened to leave me if I didn't give up some of my friends. And I gave in because I wanted so badly for this to work. And at that moment, as well as others before then, he asked me to give up a part of who I was.

And I did it.

I probably shouldn’t have done that. Because it made him think that it was okay to continue to ask me to give up pieces of myself. And it made me believe that was my only option.

That night I began mourning my marriage and what I had wanted, hoped, and prayed it would be. But I continued to exist in my marriage, living in mourning, resigned to the fact that I wouldn’t have what I had wished for- my happily ever after.

I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t excited for our future.

I just existed.

So, eight months later, when I finally reached my breaking point, I wasn’t really sad.

I was angry with things that I had learned, I was hurt by words he had said, I was upset that I had let it go on for so long.

But I wasn’t sad.  

Even though I put on a smiling face for those eight months and pretended all was well and tried to look forward to a future, it was all just an act. I was pretending. I was lying to myself and to everyone around me, family and friends alike.

I know there are people out there who will take this and twist my words. I can almost even predict what they will say.

But it doesn’t change the fact that this is my reality. I was a broken spirit, living inside a human shell. I was mourning a relationship I still existed in. So when my marriage ended, and it has ended, I wasn’t sad.

I was relieved. I was unburdened. I was relaxed.

But I wasn’t sad.

I had done my mourning.

And it was time to move on.

Whatever that meant.

Surviving Emotional Abuse

Not too long ago I sat down and I wrote a post. I wrote about pain and struggle. I wrote about strength and supportive family and friends. At that point in time that was really all I could write about. Everything else hurt too much to begin to put into words. Or at least into more words than one can type in an Instagram caption.

 

But I woke up today and felt the need to write. I feel like it is time to put into words the things that I am struggling to put behind me. I feel like I need to start telling my story a little bit more.

 

I could start at the beginning. But that would be way more than I feel is absolutely necessary. Especially considering that a large portion of the relationship is already documented in this blog if you read back far enough.

 

Honestly, I should have seen all of this coming a long time ago. I should have paid attention and seen the signs. I should have focused on the issues we were having instead of brushing them under the rug to deal with later. I could have saved myself, and my daughter, a lot of heart ache and tears. But we all make mistakes and we all want to believe in fairy tales. It just so happens that my fairy tale turned into a nightmare.

 

There were always little things in our relationship that bothered me. His need to be with me all the time. His need to have his way all the time. The way he worked systematically to remove some of my closest friends from my life. The way he thought my daughter's medical issues didn't exist. The way he spoke about some of my family members. Those things always bothered me, but I thought we would work on them in time.

 

Well, I tried to work on them. Once we moved to my first duty station and had a place of our own, I tried to work on them. I spent months begging him to go to counseling with me to work on some of these things. I told him repeatedly that I didn't want to listen to him talk down about my family members anymore. I constantly told him of my dreams for my career in the military and he shot them down at every turn. I asked continuously for him to help out around the house because I was working full time and couldn't do everything on my own. I reminded him that the friends he didn't want me to have had been my friends longer than I had known him and he didn't have to trust them, only me.

 

But to no avail. Every argument ended with an ultimatum- his way or he would leave. So for months I chose to let it be his way. I did everything myself, I didn't talk to my friends, I put my career goals on hold, I bottled up every emotion I had and held them all deep inside. I put on a mask every day when I went to work. No one had any idea how bad it was at home.

 

No one knew that we fought at least every other day. No one knew that he would get so angry and upset that he would punch walls or furniture. No one knew that he would throw things across the room. No one knew how terrified I was that one day he would hit me or my daughter. I kept all of that a secret. Because I didn't think anyone would believe me. Because to everyone else he was such a happy guy with an awesome sense of humor who never let anything get to him.

 

I started realizing how truly awful the situation was when I went TDY a couple months ago. I spent two weeks out of town, but I called and texted as often as I could. But then one night I was going through my Facebook and realized that I had several people listed as blocked. Except I had never blocked them. I never would have blocked them. Because these people were some of my closest friends.

 

At that point there was only one explanation- he had blocked them. And then everything came crashing down. I realized how deeply I had been hurting for the last several months, if not years. I realized how much he had crushed my soul. I realized that I had been walking around for months feeling like a broken spirit inside a human shell. I realized I wasn't myself. I wasn't happy or optimistic. I wasn't enjoying the things I used to love. I wasn't living life the way I had always envisioned I would.

 

And I realized that I didn't have to live my life that way.

 

After that, everything began to unfold. I was able to tug at strings and unravel numerous lies. I was able to contact people and confirm that what he said was not true. I was able to see clearly the depths of his deception and how many lies he had told to cover other lies. I was shocked at the lengths he went to in order to keep me from finding things out. And I was hurt that he felt it was ok to do that to me.

 

Over the course of the next three weeks our relationship dissolved into nothing. I asked him to move out of my house when I realized that his presence was having a physical effect on me. I wasn't sleeping, I was hardly eating, I was constantly shaking and on edge all the time. My own home had become an unhealthy environment for me and that was not ok. I couldn't feel that unhealthy or that unsafe in my home and still expect my daughter to be comfortable there. So I asked him to leave. And, thankfully, he did.

 

Since then I have been able to uncover more lies and discover more truths than I ever thought possible. I have realized how toxic my marriage was and I am working to heal the scars that are hidden deep in my soul. I am using Instagram and Facebook as outlets for my pain. I am not hiding anymore. I am sharing my story and I am finding strength within myself.

 

I know I have the potential to be so many things in this life. I know I am capable of reaching my goals and then going even further. All those things he said I couldn't do- become an Officer, talk to my friends, trust my family? I'm going to do them. Because he can't dictate my life anymore. He can't make me feel small anymore. He can't force me to shrink myself or to be less than myself anymore. He can't control me anymore.

 

There is still a lot of pain left to work through. Every day is still a struggle. Sometimes I find myself thinking through it all and wondering if maybe he was right and I'm just crazy for thinking all of this. But those are the moments I pick up the phone and I call someone who will remind me that I'm not crazy and that what he did, what he is still trying to do, is not ok.

 

I am left with a lot of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth issues. I struggle to believe in myself some days. I struggle to see myself for the amazing person everyone says that I am. I struggle to understand just how far I can go in life. It's hard to see the bright side of the future when you've been told it's dark for so long.

 

But I know I will get there one day. I will survive this. I will find strength and peace within myself. And I will be happy. Completely happy.

 

Because I deserve nothing less.

 

I know there are people in this world who will read this and think I should just "get over it". There are people who won't believe a word of what I write. There are people who will go out of their way to convince others I'm lying or I'm crazy or I'm just seeking attention.

 

But they haven't experienced what I'm feeling. They haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

 

So talk all you want.

 

I'll just be over here.

 

Surviving emotional abuse.

One Call Away

"I'm only one call away.

I'll be there to save the day.

Superman got nothing on me.

I'm only one call away."

 

-One Call Away by Charlie Puth

 

The past month and a half has been a struggle for me. If you've been following along on Facebook or Instagram you may have noticed a difference in my regular posts.

 

The photos I've shared have been about a variety of things. I've shared photos about emotional abuse. I've shared photos about pain. I've shared photos about strength. And all of these posts have been purposeful.

 

Maybe some of you have seen them and thought I was posting in support of a movement. Or perhaps in support of a friend who is going through a difficult time.

 

I'm not.

 

I'm posting them for myself. I am the one going through the difficult time. I am the one who has been experiencing emotional abuse. I am the one who has been in pain. I am the one who is digging as deep as she can inside herself to find every last bit of strength she can and put it to use just to get through the day.

 

I'm struggling. Every day. Getting out of bed, going to work. putting a smile on my face for my daughter and for my coworkers. It isn't easy. It takes more effort than I care to admit. And by the end of each day I am utterly exhausted.

 

But then I can't sleep. So I am up until all hours of the night, surfing Facebook, reading books, scrolling through Instagram, thinking.

 

It's the thinking that gets me. It gets me every damn time. Thinking about what I envisioned for my future. Thinking about what I wanted for myself, for my daughter, for our life. Thinking about the path I believed I was on. Thinking about the trust I put in another person only to have it thrown in my face. Thinking about the lies and the deceit. Thinking about the pain caused by someone who said they loved me. The pain caused by someone who has told me they knew all along how deeply they had been hurting me... and they did it anyways.

 

And then I take the time while I should be sleeping to try and think more positively. To find hope and strength. To find compassion in my heart. To find healing and discover the depths of my ability to forgive. To feel worthy and to feel loved. To know that I can overcome all of the negativity I have experienced for so many months.

 

It's a struggle. Every day is a struggle.

 

But you know what?

 

I'm going to make it.

 

Over the past several weeks I have come to lean on my family and a few close friends for support. They have been there for me in ways I never could have imagined. And they have been there for me in ways I'm sure they don't even know they have been.

 

I feel so incredibly blessed to have these people in my life. So blessed to be able to call them my family and friends. So blessed to have relationships in my life that help me to feel worthy and loved. So blessed to have people who believe in me and who would do anything to support me. So blessed to have family and friends who are just one call away.

 

These friends and family members have been there for me in some of my worst times. They have seen me struggle. They have seen me fall. They have seen me stand back up again. They have seen me fail, and then seen me succeed. They have seen me settle for less than I deserve, in life and in love.

 

And they are here for me.

 

I am so incredibly thankful for the people in my life who are only one call away. I cannot begin to describe how much their kindness and generosity and love means to me. Words could never do justice what I feel in my heart for these people.

 

They know who they are. And it is my fondest hope that they will read these words and know how much I appreciate them being here for me in this time.

 

To all my friends and family who have shown me that they are just one call away, please know that I am forever thankful.

 

And remember that I, too, am only one call away.