Saying Goodbye

A few days ago I announced that I intend to shut down my blog and Facebook page. I will also be including my Twitter in this shut down as I hardly use it effectively and only ever post to it when I post to Facebook because I have them linked. It doesn't make sense to keep it for a blog that is no longer up and running.

I briefly mentioned why I am shutting down, but I don't feel that I gave enough information to you. So I am going to in this post.

I first want to say that I absolutely love blogging. It has been so much fun to grow my blog, meet new people and share my experiences of the last nine months with so many people! I am sad to be ending my blogging run, but I think it is what is best for myself and for my family. It's time consuming, and time just isn't something I have on my side right now. This is not a decision I came to easily. I spent over a month praying over this decision, waiting for God to show me the right path. And He has now. God is helping me get my priorities straight.

Why don't I have any time on my hands? Well, because we have a lot going on. Always. And I enjoy it, but I have to be sure to keep my priorities straight. Unfortunately, blogging isn't at the top of the priority list so I'm choosing to remove it from my schedule. It's an added stress to sit here and think that I should be writing for all of you but I just don't have the time to do so. Why would I keep the stress of something on my shoulders when I know I won't be able to get it done anytime soon? It doesn't make sense to me.

Life has always been full of things to do around here. There's just so much to get done all the time. Of course there's Kaley. She's my number one priority, as well as Pat's. We do everything we can to make her life as enjoyable as possible and to spend as much time with her as we can. Yes, there's the inevitable loss of time due to her having to go to school. I have to send her to school and I am happy to say that she loves going to school. And I am lucky enough to be able to work at the school she attends so I get to see her throughout each day. A quick hug when we pass each other in the hall makes all the difference to her!

Then there's my work schedule. I work between 25 and 30 hours each week at the school. But, let's be real. I'm a teacher so my work comes home with me at the end of each day. Between grading papers, lesson planning, communicating with parents and getting my supplies in order for each lesson, I'm looking at working an additional 10 to 15 hours. Unfortunately, though, I don't get paid for those hours. Because of this I have begun working a second job. We're trying to pay for a wedding here, people, and weddings aren't exactly cheap.

And don't forget that I'm still in school. I was 2 points away from a passing score on my last exam. Two. Points. Ridiculous. So I have to retake my exam, but it isn't available for retake until the middle of March. That means I have plenty of time to study and complete my last two classes before I retake the exam, but it takes up a huge chunk of time each week. And I need to take advantage of every opportunity available to get in more studying.

What else? Wedding planning. We're actually doing pretty well when it comes to wedding planning. The date, venue, reception hall and entertainment are all figured out. I have had several meetings with photographers in the last two weeks and am setting up meetings with caterers over the course of the next couple of weeks. I still need to find someone to bake the cake and cupcakes, and then there's a lot of little stuff to get done, but I'm feeling like we are in a good place at the moment. We will get there. I just need some dedicated wedding planning time over the next few months.

Last, but certainly of massive importance is Pat. His appointment with the VA a few days ago didn't end very well. We have several major decisions to make in the next couple of months and a lot of talking to do in terms of our course of action as it pertains to his injuries. And the VA? They're not helpful. At all. I'll just leave it at that.

Add in the other things we have going on like going to the gym, running, coaching cheer, four basketball games every Saturday, and the need for family time, it amazes me that I ever get to bed at night. But I'm managing.

 

All of these things are important in our lives. Kaley loves cheer, Pat enjoys running the scoreboard for the basketball games, and I need to go to the gym and run to keep my sane. I love my jobs, Pat has decided he's going to walk for another ten years, and we will have a beautiful wedding at the end of May.

Our life is busy, but it's a good life. We enjoy the time we spend together and we all work hard to keep our family happy. It isn't easy, but we all make sacrifices and we all understand that everything is worth it in the end.

I will miss blogging. But I hope you all understand that there are a great many more things going on in my life that take precedence over this blog. Maybe someday I will be able to come back. In the meantime, though, I am so thankful to have had the opportunity to share my life with all of you and to meet some of the most amazing people I have ever known. I appreciate each and every one!

Managing Your EMail (in GMail)

Last year I taught Middle School Information Science. This year my grandmother is teaching Middle School Information Science. We have had several updates this school year in terms of technology which allow our older students to have access to many different Google products. One of the things they now have access to through our school is email.

So I was sitting in the computer lab a few weeks back and listening to my grandmother explain to them how to manage their email. Now I know how to manage me email. It's not that difficult. I'm just not good at keeping up with it. But based on the fact that these kids had no idea what the concept of email management was, I thought there are probably a great many more people who don't fully understand the importance of or how to manage their email inbox. So I've put together a list of steps to follow to manage YOUR email. And I've used a before and after picture from my own email inbox to show you that I'm not overly on top of things and that I'm only human like the rest of you.

This morning when I logged into my email for the blog, this is what my email inbox looked like.

There were so many emails in my inbox that didn't even need to be there. Some could go to the trash, others could go into folders, some should be kept because they are important.

When managing your email, you should try to keep the clutter down to a minimum. Keeping hundreds of emails in only your inbox causes you to quickly use up the storage space you are allowed. Trust me, that storage runs out fast!

The "Golden Rule" of email management is to only keep what is currently active in your inbox. Most of the time, that's no more than 5-10 emails because, again, we are only human around here. So the email from your Aunt Betty that's been sitting in your inbox for over a year? You can probably send it to the trash. Still want to hold on to it? Create a folder.

Not sure how to create a folder? Just follow these three simple steps!

Step 1.

Open the email and find the toolbar at the top. Click on the "Move To" button.

 

Step 2.

Type in the name you would like to folder to have. It should be short and accurately describe the content of the emails you plan to place in the folder (also called a label). For example, I have a Giveaways folder, a Passionfruit Ads folder and a Blog Hops tab, just to name a few. The titles are short, but accurately describe all of the content within them.

Once you've typed in the name of your new folder, click below where it says "(create new)".

 

Step 3.

You would think that after clicking on the "(create new)" button, you'd be done, right? Wrong. Google has added in another screen for you just to complicate your life. But not really.

Often times once you've created your new label you're good to go. Google gives you the option to "Nest" it under another folder, though. This is a great option if you have sort of a catch-all folder that you put things into, but want some division in that. For example, if you want to create a folder that's called "Projects" but you are working on multiple projects at once, you may want to "Nest" a new label under the projects folder. The choice is yours.

If you don't need your email to be that complicated, simply click on the "Create" button and you're good to go!



Folders are awesome. They store your emails based on the labels you create and keep them from eating away at all of the storage space you have available. Use them! Create labels and actually use them! It will help you to be more organized and keep your email running longer. I promise.

Now that you've set up your folders, how the heck do you find them!? Google likes to be tricky sometimes so they sort of hide things away. But they're not really hidden. You just have to know what to do. So if you've just successfully made 72 new folders for the hundreds of emails you had sitting around in your inbox, just keep reading to locate your disappearing labels!

Look at your email. You have this lovely sidebar on the left hand side of the screen that says things like "Inbox", and "Important" and "Sent Mail". These are all great things to have, but none of them are the labels you just worked so hard to create. Your sidebar navigation currently looks something like this:

Take your mouse and hover over the sidebar. It's like magic, I swear! Your sidebar should now look something like this:

Keeping up with managing your email isn't that difficult. Honestly I should be a lot better about it than I am. It only takes about 3 minutes to move all those emails to the folders they belong in and it ends up saving you a lot of time later when you're trying to find that one email that your co-worker sent three weeks ago that you need to act on about two days ago. It's worth it to take the time to make it happen. Why? Because in the end your inbox looks so much better and you aren't left feeling so overwhelmed! Just take a look at the difference it made in my email!

End the Homework Struggle

I don't know about you, but we have a tendency to struggle with homework in our home. Honestly, I kind of feel like a bad mom sometimes because it's not like I have 2 or 3 more kids to supervise during those after school hours. I only have Kaley. And we still have difficulties.

Kaley has ADHD. She is medicated. That's a struggle in and of itself which you can read about HERE. But due to her ADHD, homework is such a hassle most days.

I know, I know, there isn't hardly a child alive who loves doing their homework. But, at 7 years old, most of them are willing to sit down and just get it over with. Mine? Not so much. By the time we get home at 3:30, she's done for the day. Her medicine is wearing off, her attention span is practically zero and the ability to focus flew out the window about an hour ago. That's just the way it is.

So how do we make it through? How is it she still has A's in all but one class (forgive the child for her B in math- she's just not very good at it...)? Because over the past two and a half years that she has had homework I've found some things that really work with her ADHD. And I've decided that I won't be selfish with them anymore and I will share them all with you because I know ADHD is something many children struggle with.

1. Do NOT let yourself become frustrated.

This is one that I have had a difficult time with, to be honest. It has taken me a very long time to learn that my frustration has an adverse affect on Kaley's productivity level. When I become frustrated, she knows it and she pays more attention to that than she does to what she is supposed to be doing. Many of us parents think that raising our voices, expressing our irritation is letting our children know what they should be doing. It's not. It's just taking what little focus they have even further away from their homework. Not conducive to completing the assignments.

 

2. Do NOT let your child become frustrated.

If they've been sitting at the table, staring at "3+7=" for 20 minutes and can't seem to figure it out, have them move on to the next problem. Or, better yet, give them a 5 minute break to get some energy out. Odds are they are staring at the problem because they are frustrated by a question they probably answered 10 minutes ago that they aren't sure of and just need a little help to refocus on what is in front of them. So take a few minutes to have a conversation with them or let them play with something they enjoy or give them a few apple slices or a glass of milk. Just find something to take their mind off their frustration for a couple of minutes so they can get back to it with their mind cleared.

 

3. Pay attention to them.

Even if they seem like they are completely focused on the page in front of them, take 5 minutes out of your day to sit down with them and watch them do their homework page. Honestly, Kaley gets so much more done when she's supervised than when she isn't. I know it's a struggle sometimes to take a few minutes, trust me. Our lives are crazy. But just taking that time will let them know that you're paying attention. And then when the time is up, their motivation to get done is still there because they know you were paying attention so they're pretty sure that you still are paying attention. It makes a huge difference, I promise.

 

4. Let them work it out the way they need to.

This stuff isn't easy for most kids. That's why they have homework. They're reinforcing what they learned in school that day to help solidify it in their minds. So if they need to use a number line to finish their addition facts, let them use a number line. If they have to read every word of their book out loud, let them read out loud. Let them figure out what works best for them. They know their learning style better than anyone else could hope to know. So if you give them the opportunity to do it their way, they are more likely to not fight you on the whole idea of homework. And this works even on days they are positive the sky is purple.

 

5. Always check over their work.

ADHD kids have minds that run a mile a minute. There is just no slowing it down. And this can lead to carelessness and mistakes when it comes to things they should be taking their time on. If they've just finished a math sheet with 30 problems in less than 2 minutes, check their work. You'll likely find something they missed or that they answered incorrectly. If they read a 10 or 15 page story in 5 minutes, ask them questions about it. Ask them to identify characters, tell you about the plot, identify how it ended. Chances are they'll have to go back and look through it to tell you because they just read the words without taking the time to comprehend what they read.

 



Tips for Traveling ...With Children

This weekend we went away for a few days. We didn't go far, just a few hours down the road, but it's far enough that we stayed overnight rather than driving home. Which got me to thinking about how different it is to travel alone versus traveling with children. So I thought I would put together a few tips and tricks I've learned over the years.

1. Clothes

Most people go with the "2 pairs of pants, 4 t-shirts, maybe one nice outfit and an extra pair of shoes" method when packing. But I've learned from experience that that is the worst way to pack for a kid. Because then they have too many choices and they are overwhelmed haggling over which shirt goes with what pair of pants and you're now 30 minutes late getting out the door.

Pack clothes in sets. Full sets. Socks, underwear, pants, shirt, and hair bows or hats if necessary. Stick them in a large Ziploc bag, squeeze all the air out and stick it in the suitcase. Do this for however many days you are planning to be gone, plus an extra one or two and you're done. Then, when they wake up in the morning all they have to do is select a bag and get dressed. Trust me, it saves a lot of time and energy. And there's a much less chance of any early morning arguments.

 

2. Food

It's really easy when you're going on a road trip to just say we'll stop for fast food along the way. Really easy. But it's not good for your wallet... or you... or your child. So just don't plan on that.

Easiest thing to do is to grab a few small Ziploc bags and create small snack packs for the ride. Goldfish, pretzels, fruit snacks, cereal, teddy grahams- you're options are almost unlimited. So do yourself a huge money-saving favor and pack some snacks. It won't even take much to satisfy those tiny tummies on a trip because they're just too excited to get where you're headed!

 

3. Bathroom

My best advice? Don't trust your child when they say "I just went to the bathroom." Odds are they didn't and they're just trying to get out of going at all. And when you're headed on a road trip that will take a few hours you're not going to want to stop every ten minutes. My suggestion? Have your child go to the bathroom 15 minutes before go time. And then again right before go time. And plan your stops along the way at points that make the most sense for your journey.

We take many trips up to the Raleigh-Durham area each year and have made it our habit to stop about halfway there, fill up the gas tank, stretch our legs and take Kaley to the bathroom. Every once in a while we won't feel the need to stop, so we won't and not even ten minutes past that highly populated area Kaley has to go to the bathroom. And by that point it's another twenty minutes or so to the next place we can stop. So we're hoping and praying she can make it that long while she's bouncing up and down in the backseat reminding us every 30 seconds that she really has to go.

 

4. Toys

Every kid wants to bring every toy they own with them when they travel. Even if they're just going for the day, they just have to have every tiny little Lego or Polly Pocket. And you're standing there wondering why everything doesn't fit in the car for your three hour drive. Stop. Take a deep breath. And don't let the kids have a say in what toys they bring.

If you take just ten minutes to pack a small bag with their toys it will all be ok. They'll be happy you just thought to bring them a few toys that they won't miss the doll at home they never play with. I promise. But once you tell them to pack a bag? That's when you're bringing every Hot Wheels car ever created with you. And you don't want those all over the floor at Grandma's house. So just grab a few books. a coloring book and crayons and maybe a few toys to keep them occupied on the drive to wherever you're headed and call it good.

 

5. Electronics

I know, I know, electronics are practically considered the devil by some parents, but just hold on for a minute. When you're sitting in the car for two or three hours, the kids are in the backseat going nuts, what's the first thing you offer up? Your phone, right? Right. And maybe they actually HAVE an iPod of their own at home, you just told them they couldn't bring it with them. Why? Because it's family time and you're supposed to be enjoying your experience together. Well let me tell you that you shouldn't plan to enjoy the car ride there. Just plan to live through it and enjoy your time once you're out of the car.

Let the kids have at least one electronic in their hands in the car. Whether you have a DVD player that everyone in the backseat can see or they each have a handheld system, just let them have it. Trust me, it will save you tons of arguing and a lot of attitude from your lovely children. And, as a result, they will be much more willing to have a good time as a family once you reach your destination!

 

 

So there you have it. Just a few tips for traveling with children. And wherever you're headed this holiday season, may your travels be safe and may you enjoy the time you have with loved ones.

A Time of Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving.

 

It rolls around every year.

 

And I can honestly say it's the holiday I am the least thrilled for.

 

Everyone's all excited for turkey and pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. Me? I'm sitting off to one side saying "did anyone make chicken???"

 

Society has taken Thanksgiving and turned it into this massive turkey-fest and it seems like that's all anyone cares about.

 

Well, I don't like turkey and I think Thanksgiving is about so much more. And we need to remember that each year. And we need to pay attention to that each year. And we need to teach our children that Thanksgiving isn't about the food.
 

 

I believe in being thankful. To God, to the people who surround me and for the many blessings bestowed upon me in this world and in my life. And I want to share what I am most thankful for with all of you. Because blessings are meant to be shared. We are meant to be open and honest. We are meant to pay it forward and show kindness to one another. We are meant to be thankful for the life we have been given.

 

 

So before you go and enjoy your turkey dinner.....

 

This year I am thankful for many things. And it's hard to even figure out where to begin. So I'm just going to pick a point and start. There is no particular order or preference to any of what I am about to say. It's just coming from the heart and the mind and being translated to pen and paper (...keyboard and computer screen...) as it enters my thoughts.

 

Family.

Every year, every day, I am thankful for my family. They are the people I lean on, depend on and hold onto when I need love, support, kindness, energy and strength. My family is my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my entire world. They mean everything to me and I only wish I could put into words just how much I appreciate each and every single one of them. They are here for me in ways no one else can even begin to imagine. They push me through struggles and they help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. They guide me through life and have helped to shape the path I walk now. I owe my life to them.

 

Kaley.

I am incredibly thankful for Kaley. She came into my life maybe before I was old enough to truly appreciate the miracle that she is, but as I grow older I am realizing it more and more each day. Kaley has given me a sense of purpose in life. She's given me reason to work towards things I was never sure I would achieve or that I never thought possible. She inspires me and motivates me and keeps me moving forward. I wouldn't be even half the woman I am today if I didn't have my beautiful daughter to push me through the hard times and the frustration and the craziness of my chaotic life.

 

Friends.

Honestly, I am the first to say I have very few friends. True friends that I could tell anything to? I have three. My sister, my absolute best friend in the world and my first real friend in NC. And unfortunately none of them live anywhere near me. But regardless of where we are or what is going on, I know that I can count on them. I know that if I pick up the phone and dial that number, they will answer. And if they can't because they're busy? They'll text me or call me back. They never disappoint me, ever. They never let me down. It's truly a gift to have such amazing friends and I feel so incredibly lucky to have three because I know that there are people in this world who have no one.

 

Patrick.

My fiancé. Of course I'm thankful for him! He came into my life completely unexpectedly. I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't looking for my forever. But I found him. All because I decided to go out for the first time in, oh, six months or so? I am so happy I decided to go sing karaoke that night. It was more worth it than I could have ever imagined. He's an amazing man, a wonderful role model to Kaley and an inspiration to myself and so many others. I am honored that he chose me to be his always and forever. I am going to love him to infinity and beyond!

 

Work.

Yeah, I know. I have a tendency to complain about my job from time to time. But I do love it and I am very thankful to have it. The people I work with have become like a second family to me. They're wonderful and supportive and understanding. And the kids I get to work with every day are amazing and I love each and every one of them. They are definitely a challenge and I have to work hard every day to make sure we accomplish what we need to, but it's worth it. At the end of the day, it's all worth it just to see the light bulb click on and the smile cross their face. It's an amazing feeling to know that, even for just a moment, I made a difference in a child's life.

 

Health.

I'm not a poster child for perfect health. Not now, not ever. But I am thankful for my health. I haven't faced more than a bad cold or a stomach bug in years. I know I'm not the most fit person in the world, but I am thankful that I am physically capable of becoming fit again. I am thankful to have full use of my limbs and full range of motion to become stronger and fight through the pain. I am thankful I can run and I can lift weights and work out without fear of permanently injuring myself.

 

God. Faith.

I can't even begin to express how lucky I am to have been raised with faith and how thankful I am to still have my faith to fall back on. I know I'm not the perfect little Catholic girl. I've never claimed to be. And I will fully admit that there are some theories in the Catholic church that I don't entirely agree with and sometimes I am very open about that. But I always have God. I always have the vision of my head from a guided reflection experience with the deacon. I always have the comfort of knowing I am loved and cared for and that God will guide me towards his purpose for me. God will not abandon me or neglect me. He is here for me. Always. No matter what. And I am going to praise Him and give thanks to Him forever.

 

Blogging.

Weird? Maybe. But I am thankful for the outlet it provides me with. I am thankful for the readers who have identified with the words I've written and reached out to me. I am thankful for the opportunity to put pen to paper (...fingers to keyboard...) and put what I feel right out there. I am thankful that I can share my thoughts with so many amazing people. I am thankful for the people I have met, both virtually and in person, through the blogging community. 

 

There are a great many more things I am thankful for, but I would be here all day if I explained each of them, so I'll end with a brief list of the remaining things I am thankful for.

 

Music

Books

Love

School

Home

Nature

My Dogs

Stability

Dreams

Dedication

 

What are you thankful for this year? 

Meet the Bridesmaids (and the Not Bridesmaid)

When Pat asked me to marry him, we immediately began planning. After we picked the date came the hard decisions. Like bridesmaids.

 

We decided right away that we didn't want a huge bridal party. He's one of 15 children, but he wasn't into having that many people joining us on the altar. Works for me! I was already sitting there trying to figure out who in the heck I wanted to stand up there with me and how many old friendships I was going to have to dig up to cover the number of siblings he has. Then I didn't have to worry about it. Good!

 

I knew immediately that my Maid of Honor is going to be my sister. We've said it since we were little and I've already failed her. Twice. She wasn't present at either of my first two weddings. And I can honestly say I'm glad now that she wasn't there because it makes this even more special for me. My dream is finally coming through, and the person I always imagined would be standing up there to support me is going to be there. I am so excited to see her in her beautiful dress and know that she is behind me 100%. Trust me, if she wasn't, she wouldn't have consented to be my Maid of Honor. Or gone to David's Bridal and purchased her dress.

 

 

After that, my next choice was obvious. Best Friend. DUH! Rachel and I have sort of a weird friendship. But in a good way, though. See, we've known each other since middle school. And we were sort of friends then. But only because we were 2 out of 3 girls in our computer class. Fast forward, we're in high school. And we are friends between the end of lunch and 5th period. Why? Because we happened to be walking the same direction and she was part of the same circle of friends as my at the time boyfriend. Fast forward a few years later? MySpace is big, we "meet" through a mutual friend at the time and we've been best friends ever since. That was 2008. In our 5 and a half year friendship, Rachel and I have spent less than 10 days together. When she comes for the wedding, we will FINALLY break that 10 day goal. By one day. But it's progress! And regardless of how little time we actually get to spend together, she is absolutely, without a doubt my best friend in the entire world. No matter what, she's here for me. And she understands me. It's awesome. Our phone conversations pick up just where they left off and it's like we've never spent a day apart in our lives.

 

Now Pat and I had decided on 3. He selected his 3, I selected two. And then I was trying to figure out who my third bridesmaid should be. It didn't take long to figure out who it should be. When I moved to NC in 2006, my first real friend was my next door neighbor. She was a Marine, had just had her first child and was young (but not as young) like me. Jayme from The Semper Fi Life of a Marine Corps Wife and I bonded over bottles and birth control and have been best friends ever since. We've had our ups and downs as all friendships do, but we've managed to come out strong and have an amazing relationship! She is supportive, kind, an amazing wonderful and always puts her kids first. I couldn't imagine celebrating my wedding day without her!

 

When I initially pictured my wedding, I thought of 4 people. But after some thinking I had decided not to include the fourth person. Well, she definitely proved that I made the right decision.

 

The weekend after I had selected my bridesmaids and they'd all said they would be here for me, I was headed out to go look at dresses. I decided to post on Facebook that I was headed there and my bridesmaids and mom should keep their phones close at hand so they could see pictures when I sent them! Because every bride wants the input of these people when they pick their dress, right? Well, maybe they don't, but I wanted to include them even though they weren't actually able to be with me. So when I posted the status update to Facebook I tagged them in it.

 

Not even two minutes later I got an angry text message from the fourth person I had opted not to include. She was mad that I hadn't asked her to be a bridesmaid because she had been there for me since high school and we were best friends and I chose the wrong person. Whoa, hold up a minute.

 

One, she stopped talking to me when I moved out to NC. Two, our friendship since she moved to NC had been off and on because she kept getting mad at me for stupid little things. And three, no. She clearly proved to me that I did NOT choose the wrong woman to be my bridesmaid.

 

Here's my issue. It's my wedding and Pat's wedding. Which means we, the married-couple-to-be get to make the decisions. Which means that we get to select our bridal party. Which means that if you have an issue with what we choose... Well that's just too bad for you.

 

It really frustrated me that this person thought she would get to just decide that she was in my wedding. And that it was ok to get angry with me for not asking her to be my bridesmaid. It's my choice, and I clearly made the right decision.

 

I'm also really sad, though, because she has taken it so far. Our friendship has been completely erased be her. She stopped calling me and texting me. She never asked to make plans after that. Our friendship on Facebook was deleted, as was mine with her husband, and she even went so far as to block me. And I don't understand how our friendship could have meant so little to her that she was willing to give it all up over a decision for the wedding.

 

Why would I have wanted her up there with me on my Wedding Day if she was willing to throw our friendship out the window just because I didn't ask her? It says a lot about how little our friendship truly meant to her. And I am sad that our friendship is gone, but in a way I'm glad. Because it is so obvious by her subsequent actions that what we had wasn't really a friendship. It was just convenient for her at the time.

 

So, as a result of all of this, I am very happy with the three women I selected to be my bridesmaids. I know that they will be there for me through thick and thin and that they support me in my marriage. I am forever thankful for them and the influence they have on my life.

 

 

Time Management at 5AM

 

Exactly.

 

It's 5am. I've been up since 3:30. This is ridiculous.

 

I've been having an incredibly difficult time sleeping these past few weeks. I'm stressing over my exam and I know it. I just wish my stress would manifest in some other way. Being dead tired is not fun at all. And it is especially not fun when there's massive amounts of work to be done.

 

But I guess being awake crazy early in the morning gives me an opportunity to really think about everything. The things that are important, and the things that aren't so important. I don't think I'm going to solve everything, but I at least have some time to gain some perspective and try to figure out some of the smaller things.

 

My biggest trouble at this point is time management. I'm struggling a lot more than I originally thought I would at the beginning of this school year. Just finding time to complete lesson plans in tricky because I am constantly being pulled in one direction or another. And let's not even mention how behind I am when it comes to planning the wedding.

 

I need to find a way to put it all together and make it work. Starting with a list of priorities.

 

Obviously Kaley comes first. And my relationship with Pat is a very close second. Those are the most important things I have in my life right now and I am not about to sacrifice either one to become a workaholic.

 

But what else do I have going on? Well, there's work. Which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to find extra time for grading. Oh, and lesson planning. Then there's also cheer team, blogging, working out, housework, laundry, my capstone project and portfolio for school and starting in a week and a half we have basketball games almost every Saturday until the second weekend in March. And don't forget the wedding planning.

 

Now when I write it all out, it honestly doesn't seem like much. So how is it that I feel as though I am getting nothing done?

 

I've tried to-do lists and weekly calendars and monthly calendars but I can't seem to remember to actually look at them when I need to. There's always something else going on and I just keep pushing things off.

 

But I really need to figure things out. I know I do. So I am going to promise, right here and right now, that for the rest of the year I am going to create both weekly and a monthly calendar so I can make sure I'm getting everything in like I need to. And I'm going to write a post each week about my success (or failure) so that you all can keep me accountable.

 

And I'm going to include more blogging time because I miss writing as often as I was able to over the summer.

 

And it's a great stress-reliever!

Learning to Co-Parent, Non-Traditionally

So everyone knows that I'm engaged now, which is why Musings of a Single Mama no longer exists. I've re-branded my blog and am working towards a new life. But it hasn't been easy, both personally and from a blogging standpoint. I haven't had any clue about what to write for a couple months now!

 

I have identified myself as a Single Mom for so many years that I haven't figured out truly how to transition away from it yet. It's a transition that I knew wasn't going to happen over night, but I didn't realize it would take me as long as it is.

 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my fiancé and I am thrilled to have him join our family. But it's been an intriguing learning experience for me. I am so used to calling the shots of everything, on making all of the parenting decisions, on always putting Kaley's best interest above my own and everyone else's. So to have someone else to help me make these decisions and who is keeping not only Kaley's best interest at heart, but my own, has been such a blessing. But I'm still sitting here not knowing what to do half the time.

I've been getting hell from Kaley's biological father for a little while now because we aren't parenting together. So I took it upon myself to do some research into co-parenting techniques to see if maybe I could find a better way to manage it. Bottom line? Co-parenting works best when the other parent is actually present. He's not. And when he was around? He wasn't interested in co-parenting. He wasn't open to setting a specific set of rules that applied at both homes. He didn't want to work together to ensure our daughter's happiness. So I let it slide. Maybe I shouldn't have done that? I don't know. But it is what it is.

Now, here we are, three and a half years later and he's finally starting to show some interest in his daughter and in being a parent to her. But is it too little, too late? I'm kind of thinking it is. Not because I don't want him to be in her life, but because he isn't going about it the right way. But that's not what I want to write about at the moment.

 

What I want to talk about is my new experiences with co-parenting. I'm not exactly co-parenting with Kaley's biological father because, well, that seems to be impossible as he and I have completely different visions of what her life should be like. But I am having to learn how to co-parent with Pat.

 

 

He and I are, for the most part, on the same track. And it's expected that at times we will disagree, and we have. But I like to think we are figuring it all out together. Unfortunately, though, I still haven't entirely let go of the "Single Mom" way of life. And it can be a source of stress for us both.

 

This whole co-parenting thing isn't easy and I'm not learning co-parenting in the true sense of the word, but it's how it is for me. Sure it's nice to have him around to help out and have fun with, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to making decisions as a team. It's difficult to go from being a single parent for so many years to now having to communicate with someone else about everything. It's insane. And I commend Pat for putting up with me as I learn how to navigate this new road.

 

It's not easy. And I'm not succeeding quickly.

 

But my hope is that some day I will get there. And we will be the set of parents that Kaley can rely on and trust to always be there for her and to always have her best interest at heart.

 

 

Because she needs that.

 

And she deserves it.

'Tis the Season to Pay It Forward

As a blogger, I am a member of many groups on Facebook. Each group is different, despite having several of the same people actively participating. I adore being in these groups and love the information and opportunities that come from being a member.

 

About a week ago, a fellow blogger posted asking for help. She has recently been informed that a family friend is enduring major financial hardship and is facing homelessness in January of the upcoming year. Seeing an opportunity to help, she contacted fellow bloggers to help her promote a fundraiser for this wonderful woman and her two dogs. I am honored to participate and help raise funds for this woman to keep her home and not have to disrupt her livelihood.

Here's her story, as told by a close friend:

Connie is a disabled senior suffering from Lupus, related severe arthritis, circulatory issues, and is also diagnosed 70% deaf. Additionally, she suffers from permanent damage as a result of injuries that occurred during her former abusive marriage. She lives independently with her two 'therapy dogs', Dakota and Cochise, whom she loves dearly and considers her family. Her dogs provide her with emotional companionship, security, and are her 'ears', hearing such things as the doorbell, since she is unable to hear it herself. Prior to becoming disabled a few years ago, Connie was known to be a dedicated hard worker her entire life. She is a very compassionate, kind, caring and giving person. Throughout life she has often sacrificed her own needs for sake of helping family, many friends, and even strangers in need. She was the sole caregiver for her father when he was terminally ill, and cared for her younger brother when he was ill with kidney disease. Prior to his death in 2008, Connie offered to donate one of her kidney's to help her brother, but doctors determined he was not medically eligible for a transplant. She is also an animal lover, and has adopted countless neglected homeless dogs over the years, including 10 year old Dakota and 2 year old Cochise.

In early 2009, a traumatic life transition began for Connie. Pshychologically broken, battered, and sick, Connie divorced her spouse after suffering a lengthy history of physical, pychological and financial abuse. The abuses by her former spouse continued after her divorce. She was advised by trauma doctors and legal professionals, to relocate to protect her physical and emotional well being. In late 2010, Connie courageously left behind the place she had known as home for almost 40 years. Along with her two beloved dogs, Connie relocated to Kansas City and began rebuilding a new life free of abuse, torment, and fear. Her former husband destroyed all financial security, so Connie sold a majority of her personal belongings and property to raise enough money so that she could afford to buy an inexpensive, modest, 2 bedroom home in Kansas Citythat is handicap and wheelchair accessible in a safe senior community.

Despite disabling and painful physical challenges, for the past 3 years Connie has been slowly cleaning up the once run down house. She has proudly accomplished transforming a house in to a safe, peaceful, and comfortable 'home sweet home' for herself, Dakota, and Cochise.

Connie's only personal source of income is her retirement/disability, which is a fixed income of less than $800.00 monthly. She is unable to supplement her income due to multiple disabilities and healthcare restrictions. Her former husband was court ordered to pay $600.00 monthly into a trust fund for Connie but he has not done so in violation of court orders. Her property taxes and insurance were to be paid from this special needs trust fund.

Despite her financial limitations, Connie has frugally managed to pay her home's insurance premiums and for necessary basic home maintenance repairs, but she has not been able to pay her property taxes the past 3 years. She and her two beloved dogs, Dakota and Cochise, face the uncertainty of being homeless as of January 1st, 2014 if the past due property taxes on her home are not paid in full. The state of Missouri appears to have no resources or feasible programs available to help. Jackson County, Missouri has added almost $2,000.00 in penalties and interest on her past due taxes. The county has stated they will continue to charge interest on the unpaid taxes. Due to her fixed income and disabilities, she is unable to obtain a loan to pay her property taxes. She has no family financially able to help her, and all other efforts made to pay the past due taxes have been unsuccessful.

Hoping for a Christmas miracle, we're now turning to her friends and fellow human beings asking for your help to prevent Connie, Dakota, and Cochise from losing their home. If we can raise $10,000.00, we can pay the past due property taxes, penalty, interest, and pay an additional 2 years home taxes in advance. This plan will allow Connie to live securely in her handicap accessible home another 5 years, at which time her monthly fixed income should increase. At 62 she'll be eligible for additional income through her Social Security, and should then be able to pay her home's property taxes herself.

The money raised will be securely deposited in to Connie's trust fund, and the trust will directly pay her property taxes to Jackson County, Missouri. Any additional money raised over our goal of $10,000.00, will also be deposited in to Connie's trust fund to help pay future property taxes, insurances, necessary home repairs, such as if her hot water heater would need replaced, or to provide necessary veterinary care for her beloved dogs.

Connie is a very proud humble person, and not the type of person who would ask others for help. Rather, she is the one always helping others, but this time she desperately needs our help, to save her safe and secure handicap accessible home from property tax foreclosure.

 

You guys... it will NOT be that hard to save Connie's life as she knows it if we work together. I (Heather from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream) have over 150,000 fans on Facebook alone, and if each one donated LESS THAN A DOLLAR, we can give this woman everything she deserves, and more. And what a better way to pay it forward this holiday season than giving to someone who would give to any of you in a heartbeat! There are a few ways you can help: 1. Share this post EVERYWHERE. Facebook, Twitter, wherever you can think of. If you are a blogger I give you full permission to copy parts of this post to put on your own blog. Getting the word out will help more than anything. 2. You can donate via Paypal:

(Note: If this button isn't working, you can send funds via Paypal to mrsheatherreese@gmail.com) You don't have to have a Paypal account to do this. You can do this with a debit or credit card, just like any other online purchase. 3. If you'd prefer to send cash, checks, or money orders via snail mail rather than online, you can send them to: Help for Connie 2816 NW Kingsridge Dr. Blue Springs, MO 64015 Wal-Mart gift cards are also helpful, as her income is limited and this will help her to be able to buy the essentials so that she can save more money to put aside to save her house.

 

I am asking all of my readers to please consider donating.
Even if all you can give is a dollar or two.

 

Still not sure if you should or not?

Think about if it was you in this situation. How would you feel? Would you hope that people would band together to help you maintain your livelihood and your home? Would you want to feel like your loved and cared for? Would you want to believe in the goodness of people?

 

Put yourself in Connie's shoes.

Think of the difference you could make in her life.

Land of the Free, because of the Brave

What is Veteran's Day?

 

Well, for years and years it was just another Monday off school. You know, the one you get just two weeks before Thanksgiving and you're so excited to have just that one extra day to do whatever you want. The one where you get together with family and friends because everyone is off and you have this big barbecue and play games and enjoy the day.

 

Today? Not so much.

 

Today I look at Veteran's Day very differently from the way I did ten years ago. Even differently from the way I viewed it five years ago.

 

Why?

 

For starters I've been a military wife. That didn't work out so well for me, but the association with the military gave me a new view on the men and women who serve our country. There was a period of several years where it was my goal to join them and serve beside them. I was able to see these ordinary people become extraordinary by signing a few papers, attending weeks of training and becoming a person willing to lay down their life for their family, friends and country.

 

It was like a wake-up call to know these men and women. To watch them wake up before dawn every morning to go to work. To see them come home dead tired at the end of each day, knowing they would get up and do it again tomorrow. To gaze at the empty space they had just filled because they had to walk away to go overseas for several months. To sit, waiting for the bus to pull up announcing their arrival back in our country.

 

Talk about people to respect and look up to.

 

I will admit that my ex husband and I didn't make it through a deployment. It's not necessarily a fact that I'm proud of, but there are sound reasons behind our decision to split up.

 

My ex husband served two tours overseas. He spent a total of 14 months in Iraq between February 2008 and February 2010. I am proud of him everyday for signing his enlistment papers and following through on what he had promised himself to do for his country. I am proud that Kaley's father had the courage to do what so many men and women can't bring themselves to even consider.

 

I am proud of all the men and women who have joined our armed forces. They deserve the highest respect that can be paid. These men and women go off to war, not knowing if they will return home. They don't know if they will see their families and friends again. They don't know if they will ever again know the comfort of their own bed or have their children run up to them at the end of a long day. Yet they do it. Because they believe it's the right thing to do.

 

Now I'm not a military wife anymore. I'm not a wife at all. I'm a wife-to-be, though.

 

And I'm going to be married to a Veteran.

 

Sure I wasn't around for his life in the military. But I'm here for the aftermath.

 

I wasn't there for his first seven spine surgeries, or his two knee surgeries. But I'm going to be there for the rest of them.

 

 

Pat was a soldier in the U.S. Army. He spent 15 months overseas. Within the first two months of his tour he was involved in three separate IED explosions. The last explosion left him lying face down in the dirt while his fellow soldiers were under fire. It's a miracle he was still alive by the time they were able to retrieve him.

 

That explosion put him into a coma for two months. When he woke up he was notified that he had already undergone one spine surgery and needed to have another. They were ready to put him on a plane and send him home.

 

But because it wasn't an absolute emergency and completely necessary at that time, Pat decided to finish his tour with his men. He didn't want to leave them behind. He had signed papers, he had been given orders and he wasn't willing to walk away from what he'd sworn he would do. He wasn't ready to stop defending our country. Pat was in it for the long haul.

 

That's a soldier to be proud of. That's the man I see everyday. I see a man who would have given everything, including his own life, health and safety, for the men and women he deployed with. I see a man would couldn't walk away until he knew his friends were safe. I see a man who knew his purpose and wasn't going to listen to anyone tell him what he should and shouldn't do.

 

How do I see this?

 

In the stories he tells. In his face when he tells them. In the way he fights through the pain he endures everyday. In the way he turns up the volume on the radio when American Soldier starts playing. In the way he tells me that he would go back to the Army if he could. In the way he stood up last night to honor the flag of our country at Kaley's Veteran's Day concert. In the way he can hardly get out of bed for the pain he is feeling. In the strength he finds within himself to face each day ahead of him.

 

 

I am completely amazed by him. And by all of our Veteran's who have found the strength to move forward with their lives. I don't know what it must be like for them on the inside, but watching some of them struggle outwardly because they are determined to succeed is incredible. It's not an easy task to move forward from a war.

 

The nightmares brought on by PTSD. The surgeries brought on by missions that went awry. The knowledge that they could have lost their lives. The understanding that they would have been willing to give up their life to save another.

 

I listened to a number of Veteran's speak last night. I watched one or two of them get emotional. I helped my fiancé to stand when they called for men and women who have served in the current war to stand and be honored. I felt the tears in my eyes. Because I am proud of him. And I am proud of all of our Veteran's. They've done wonderful things in their lives and the deserve the respect and love of our country.

 

So before you go away for your three-day, holiday weekend with a barbecue on Monday, I ask that you think about these men and women. I ask that you remember why it is we celebrate them this weekend. I ask that you think about the flag of our country and why it flies. I ask that you pay attention to the ceremonies held across the nation to honor these men and women. I ask that you thank the Lord for the people who fight and have fought for your freedom.

 

Be proud to live in the Land of the Free. And remember that you are here because of the Brave.

 

 

Parental Alienation? I Don't Think So.

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. Not that I really have time to think about it, but it's somehow still made its way into my thoughts. Frequently. I figured I would just write about it and be done with it.

I've been a "single parent" for several years now. Kaley was under 2 years old when her father and I separated, and just a little over three when our divorce finalized. When we first separated, he was overseas. After being gone a few more months and hardly ever calling to talk to Kaley, he came home.

As soon as he was home, we were sitting down to discuss a separation agreement. We made a few adjustments here and there and sent it back to the lawyer to have it revised so we could sign. One of the things we talked about the longest was his visitation schedule with Kaley.

I tried and tried and tried to give him as much time with our daughter as possible. I didn't want to cut him out of her life because he was her father. I didn't know my father and I felt it was important that she know hers. It's why I decided I would stay here instead of move back home to the west coast. I really wanted Kaley to know her dad.

Despite my protests, he wouldn't agree to more visitation than he had asked for. What had he asked for? Every other Saturday from 10am-8pm and Thursday evenings from 5:30pm-8pm. That's it. That's all he wanted. One evening a week and every other Saturday.

I am not kidding when I say that I offered him a day every weekend. And I offered him a full weekend each month (though he would have brought her home each night because my lawyer stated that it isn't advised in the state to have children younger than age 5 sleep at the non-custodial parents home). I did everything I could to give him as much time with her as possible. I tried my best to let her see her father as much as possible. It was important.

He wouldn't agree. So I let it go because there wasn't much else I could do. We signed the papers with the visitation he had requested and life went on. For the most part he was pretty good about his visitation. Aside from being late on a regular basis, he was really good about showing up every time. He always dropped her off 30 minutes to an hour early, but he still saw her. I figured it was as good as it was going to get and I tried not to argue it with him even though it was an inconvenience to me to have to wait for him to pick her up or be home early for him to drop her off.

Fast forward about 8 months. I'm planning a road trip and he's going away for training for the USMC. They didn't completely coincide, but it was pretty close. We agreed that we would communicate as much as possible and let him and Kaley talk on the phone. It worked out well for the first few weeks, and we actually got to the point where we were more like friends than exes who couldn't stand each other. It was pretty awesome.

When we came back home from our trip, we slid back into the same visitation agreement we had before. But then he was told he was being deployed for a second tour overseas. Ok, let's talk about this.

A few weeks before he left, he and his (now) wife broke up. They were fighting all the time, life was getting complicated and it just didn't seem to be working out. When he found out about the deployment, they decided she would move back home where her parents live. Did this affect me? Not a bit.

Except that all of a sudden, with her more or less out of the picture, we were kind to each other again. It was kind of like having my best friend from high school back. We were able to take Kaley out to dinner and have a good time. We could talk on the phone without arguing. We could spend time together and not want to kill each other at the end of it. We cleaned out his entire apartment and put everything in storage without any ill will towards one another.

It was great. For everyone involved. It was kind of perfect.

For the first several weeks of his deployment, he called a lot. At least twice a week. Communication between us was good and we were getting ready to arrange Skype calls for him and Kaley to keep in touch because what three year old wants to talk on a poorly connected phone call? Certainly not mine!

But then he and his girlfriend worked things out. He stopped calling Kaley. He stopped calling period. And promises of Skype calls became non-existent. It's almost like he completely forgot that our daughter even existed. I tried to email him and find a good time to Skype but nothing ever seemed to work out. I woke Kaley up early and signed into Skype hoping he would call her, but GF was more important and the calls never happened. So on we went with life.

He came home after being gone for 7.5 months and we fell back into the old routine. It only lasted for 3.5 weeks, though, because then he moved away. We met up, discussed a new visitation schedule and child support and signed a new agreement.

Since then we have had nothing but problems. He refused to send child support and I'm the worst person in the world because I went to child support enforcement and he's now forced to meet his obligation. He refused to pay for Kaley's plane ticket to go see him that summer, so she wasn't able to go. And when he asked me to drive her up the week before school started and I said no? Well, that didn't go so well. There was always some issue or another.

He did alright calling once a week to talk to Kaley. But she wasn't very good about talking on the phone (she was only three) and I was blamed for it. I was telling her not to talk to him. I was telling her he didn't love her. I was telling her he was never coming back. No. I wasn't doing any of those things. But I got used to being blamed for them anyways.

Later that year, in a session with Kaley's counselor, I mentioned that her father was starting to harass me. He was texting me and calling me continuously. He was leaving nasty messages on my voicemail and my home answering machine. I never knew what I was going to hear, but I knew it wasn't anything Kaley should hear. Not ever. He also called the house phone repeatedly one evening, until after 9:30 at night making it impossible for Kaley to go to sleep.

Her counselor suggested blocking his number from my cell phone because he was using it inappropriately. He also suggested blocking the number from the home phone because it wasn't a cell phone registered in his name. It was in his GF's name and he was using it to harass me. Therefore I had reason to block the number and refuse calls from it. I even went so far as to change my cell phone number.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea, but it was all I could do to get away from the harassment. If he wished to talk to Kaley, all he had to do was send an email and request it or call from another phone. I didn't tell him he couldn't talk to her. I just made it clear that his actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted Kaley to live in a positive environment, with joy and love and an optimistic view of life and the world.

 

For months he didn't call. Because he wouldn't find another means to call. And I was blamed for it because I put an end to the harassment. I blocked the phone number for good reason, but I'm still the bad guy. Who else's fault could everything be? Surely not his own. Surely he didn't act childishly.

Eventually he got a new cell phone, registered in his name, and calls began again. But more often than not Kaley would say she didn't want to talk. I don't believe in forcing a child to talk to someone they don't want to talk to. It's not going to do anything but cause resentment and unhappiness. So I never made her talk. Maybe I was wrong for that, I don't know.

I did my best to explain to him that she didn't want to talk because she didn't know him anymore. She'd gotten to the point where she couldn't even identify him in pictures. She needed to see him in order to make the relationship real and worth something to her. I suggested Skype calls. He refused for well over a year. Because he didn't want to have to see me.

I was finally able to convince him to do Skype calls this past January. They have happened fairly regularly, and only been completely cancelled once due to a Facebook post stating they didn't actually want to have the call. But for the majority of the year the calls have taken place at least twice a month.

Recently it's come to my attention that her father and stepmother are telling everyone and their brother that I have alienated Kaley from her father. Apparently I have gone out of my way to ensure that they don't have a relationship. I have made it clear to Kaley that she is not to talk to her father, nor is she allowed to love him. I have told her that he doesn't love her and he moved away because he didn't like her.

No, no, no and NO! I have done absolutely NONE of these things. I have supported Kaley in her love for her father. I have encouraged her to talk with him and get to know him. I have sat through phone calls and Skype calls during which he has made open and subtle derogatory comments about me.

In my heart, I know that I have not always done everything the way I should have. I'm not a perfect parent and I have never claimed to be. But I feel like I have done my best with the situation that was handed to me. I have done my best to make this craziness work for everyone. I have tried to find the good in all of the bad. But it's not easy.

I feel like it isn't my job to ensure that there is a relationship between Kaley and her father. That's HIS job. It is MY job to encourage the relationship. But not to force it upon her. Not to make her hate both him and me because I made her talk to him when she didn't want to. I want her to love both of us, and I want her to love his wife and Pat. But she has to decide to love us all on her own terms.

Kaley's growing up and learning at an incredible rate. She's intelligent and not much gets by her. She's paid attention over the years and I've let her come to her own conclusions. Kaley tells me often that she doesn't think her father loves her because he doesn't show her by coming to visit. She tells me that she doesn't feel like he is her daddy because he isn't here to do anything with her. Kaley says she doesn't want to call him daddy anymore because he doesn't do the things a dad should do.

Actions speak louder than words. I think that's the biggest message I want for Kaley's father to understand. It doesn't matter how much you say you love someone, they have to see it. It doesn't matter how many Skype calls we have, without an actual visit, you're not going to have much of a relationship.

 

I've accepted that he will never understand this. My truth isn't his truth. Which means that my truth must be the lie. Nothing I ever say is accurate or honest according to him and his wife. And I guess that's just the reality they have to live in to be at peace with the decisions they have made to not maintain a good relationship with Kaley.


I don't want to feel like I've given up, though, because I don't think it's right to give up on people. So maybe I'll just hold out a little bit of hope that maybe someday things can be different. Just a little bit so I'm not completely disappointed. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to say I've witnessed a miracle.