End the Homework Struggle

I don't know about you, but we have a tendency to struggle with homework in our home. Honestly, I kind of feel like a bad mom sometimes because it's not like I have 2 or 3 more kids to supervise during those after school hours. I only have Kaley. And we still have difficulties.

Kaley has ADHD. She is medicated. That's a struggle in and of itself which you can read about HERE. But due to her ADHD, homework is such a hassle most days.

I know, I know, there isn't hardly a child alive who loves doing their homework. But, at 7 years old, most of them are willing to sit down and just get it over with. Mine? Not so much. By the time we get home at 3:30, she's done for the day. Her medicine is wearing off, her attention span is practically zero and the ability to focus flew out the window about an hour ago. That's just the way it is.

So how do we make it through? How is it she still has A's in all but one class (forgive the child for her B in math- she's just not very good at it...)? Because over the past two and a half years that she has had homework I've found some things that really work with her ADHD. And I've decided that I won't be selfish with them anymore and I will share them all with you because I know ADHD is something many children struggle with.

1. Do NOT let yourself become frustrated.

This is one that I have had a difficult time with, to be honest. It has taken me a very long time to learn that my frustration has an adverse affect on Kaley's productivity level. When I become frustrated, she knows it and she pays more attention to that than she does to what she is supposed to be doing. Many of us parents think that raising our voices, expressing our irritation is letting our children know what they should be doing. It's not. It's just taking what little focus they have even further away from their homework. Not conducive to completing the assignments.

 

2. Do NOT let your child become frustrated.

If they've been sitting at the table, staring at "3+7=" for 20 minutes and can't seem to figure it out, have them move on to the next problem. Or, better yet, give them a 5 minute break to get some energy out. Odds are they are staring at the problem because they are frustrated by a question they probably answered 10 minutes ago that they aren't sure of and just need a little help to refocus on what is in front of them. So take a few minutes to have a conversation with them or let them play with something they enjoy or give them a few apple slices or a glass of milk. Just find something to take their mind off their frustration for a couple of minutes so they can get back to it with their mind cleared.

 

3. Pay attention to them.

Even if they seem like they are completely focused on the page in front of them, take 5 minutes out of your day to sit down with them and watch them do their homework page. Honestly, Kaley gets so much more done when she's supervised than when she isn't. I know it's a struggle sometimes to take a few minutes, trust me. Our lives are crazy. But just taking that time will let them know that you're paying attention. And then when the time is up, their motivation to get done is still there because they know you were paying attention so they're pretty sure that you still are paying attention. It makes a huge difference, I promise.

 

4. Let them work it out the way they need to.

This stuff isn't easy for most kids. That's why they have homework. They're reinforcing what they learned in school that day to help solidify it in their minds. So if they need to use a number line to finish their addition facts, let them use a number line. If they have to read every word of their book out loud, let them read out loud. Let them figure out what works best for them. They know their learning style better than anyone else could hope to know. So if you give them the opportunity to do it their way, they are more likely to not fight you on the whole idea of homework. And this works even on days they are positive the sky is purple.

 

5. Always check over their work.

ADHD kids have minds that run a mile a minute. There is just no slowing it down. And this can lead to carelessness and mistakes when it comes to things they should be taking their time on. If they've just finished a math sheet with 30 problems in less than 2 minutes, check their work. You'll likely find something they missed or that they answered incorrectly. If they read a 10 or 15 page story in 5 minutes, ask them questions about it. Ask them to identify characters, tell you about the plot, identify how it ended. Chances are they'll have to go back and look through it to tell you because they just read the words without taking the time to comprehend what they read.

 



Tips for Traveling ...With Children

This weekend we went away for a few days. We didn't go far, just a few hours down the road, but it's far enough that we stayed overnight rather than driving home. Which got me to thinking about how different it is to travel alone versus traveling with children. So I thought I would put together a few tips and tricks I've learned over the years.

1. Clothes

Most people go with the "2 pairs of pants, 4 t-shirts, maybe one nice outfit and an extra pair of shoes" method when packing. But I've learned from experience that that is the worst way to pack for a kid. Because then they have too many choices and they are overwhelmed haggling over which shirt goes with what pair of pants and you're now 30 minutes late getting out the door.

Pack clothes in sets. Full sets. Socks, underwear, pants, shirt, and hair bows or hats if necessary. Stick them in a large Ziploc bag, squeeze all the air out and stick it in the suitcase. Do this for however many days you are planning to be gone, plus an extra one or two and you're done. Then, when they wake up in the morning all they have to do is select a bag and get dressed. Trust me, it saves a lot of time and energy. And there's a much less chance of any early morning arguments.

 

2. Food

It's really easy when you're going on a road trip to just say we'll stop for fast food along the way. Really easy. But it's not good for your wallet... or you... or your child. So just don't plan on that.

Easiest thing to do is to grab a few small Ziploc bags and create small snack packs for the ride. Goldfish, pretzels, fruit snacks, cereal, teddy grahams- you're options are almost unlimited. So do yourself a huge money-saving favor and pack some snacks. It won't even take much to satisfy those tiny tummies on a trip because they're just too excited to get where you're headed!

 

3. Bathroom

My best advice? Don't trust your child when they say "I just went to the bathroom." Odds are they didn't and they're just trying to get out of going at all. And when you're headed on a road trip that will take a few hours you're not going to want to stop every ten minutes. My suggestion? Have your child go to the bathroom 15 minutes before go time. And then again right before go time. And plan your stops along the way at points that make the most sense for your journey.

We take many trips up to the Raleigh-Durham area each year and have made it our habit to stop about halfway there, fill up the gas tank, stretch our legs and take Kaley to the bathroom. Every once in a while we won't feel the need to stop, so we won't and not even ten minutes past that highly populated area Kaley has to go to the bathroom. And by that point it's another twenty minutes or so to the next place we can stop. So we're hoping and praying she can make it that long while she's bouncing up and down in the backseat reminding us every 30 seconds that she really has to go.

 

4. Toys

Every kid wants to bring every toy they own with them when they travel. Even if they're just going for the day, they just have to have every tiny little Lego or Polly Pocket. And you're standing there wondering why everything doesn't fit in the car for your three hour drive. Stop. Take a deep breath. And don't let the kids have a say in what toys they bring.

If you take just ten minutes to pack a small bag with their toys it will all be ok. They'll be happy you just thought to bring them a few toys that they won't miss the doll at home they never play with. I promise. But once you tell them to pack a bag? That's when you're bringing every Hot Wheels car ever created with you. And you don't want those all over the floor at Grandma's house. So just grab a few books. a coloring book and crayons and maybe a few toys to keep them occupied on the drive to wherever you're headed and call it good.

 

5. Electronics

I know, I know, electronics are practically considered the devil by some parents, but just hold on for a minute. When you're sitting in the car for two or three hours, the kids are in the backseat going nuts, what's the first thing you offer up? Your phone, right? Right. And maybe they actually HAVE an iPod of their own at home, you just told them they couldn't bring it with them. Why? Because it's family time and you're supposed to be enjoying your experience together. Well let me tell you that you shouldn't plan to enjoy the car ride there. Just plan to live through it and enjoy your time once you're out of the car.

Let the kids have at least one electronic in their hands in the car. Whether you have a DVD player that everyone in the backseat can see or they each have a handheld system, just let them have it. Trust me, it will save you tons of arguing and a lot of attitude from your lovely children. And, as a result, they will be much more willing to have a good time as a family once you reach your destination!

 

 

So there you have it. Just a few tips for traveling with children. And wherever you're headed this holiday season, may your travels be safe and may you enjoy the time you have with loved ones.

Learning to Co-Parent, Non-Traditionally

So everyone knows that I'm engaged now, which is why Musings of a Single Mama no longer exists. I've re-branded my blog and am working towards a new life. But it hasn't been easy, both personally and from a blogging standpoint. I haven't had any clue about what to write for a couple months now!

 

I have identified myself as a Single Mom for so many years that I haven't figured out truly how to transition away from it yet. It's a transition that I knew wasn't going to happen over night, but I didn't realize it would take me as long as it is.

 

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love my fiancé and I am thrilled to have him join our family. But it's been an intriguing learning experience for me. I am so used to calling the shots of everything, on making all of the parenting decisions, on always putting Kaley's best interest above my own and everyone else's. So to have someone else to help me make these decisions and who is keeping not only Kaley's best interest at heart, but my own, has been such a blessing. But I'm still sitting here not knowing what to do half the time.

I've been getting hell from Kaley's biological father for a little while now because we aren't parenting together. So I took it upon myself to do some research into co-parenting techniques to see if maybe I could find a better way to manage it. Bottom line? Co-parenting works best when the other parent is actually present. He's not. And when he was around? He wasn't interested in co-parenting. He wasn't open to setting a specific set of rules that applied at both homes. He didn't want to work together to ensure our daughter's happiness. So I let it slide. Maybe I shouldn't have done that? I don't know. But it is what it is.

Now, here we are, three and a half years later and he's finally starting to show some interest in his daughter and in being a parent to her. But is it too little, too late? I'm kind of thinking it is. Not because I don't want him to be in her life, but because he isn't going about it the right way. But that's not what I want to write about at the moment.

 

What I want to talk about is my new experiences with co-parenting. I'm not exactly co-parenting with Kaley's biological father because, well, that seems to be impossible as he and I have completely different visions of what her life should be like. But I am having to learn how to co-parent with Pat.

 

 

He and I are, for the most part, on the same track. And it's expected that at times we will disagree, and we have. But I like to think we are figuring it all out together. Unfortunately, though, I still haven't entirely let go of the "Single Mom" way of life. And it can be a source of stress for us both.

 

This whole co-parenting thing isn't easy and I'm not learning co-parenting in the true sense of the word, but it's how it is for me. Sure it's nice to have him around to help out and have fun with, but I'm having a hard time adjusting to making decisions as a team. It's difficult to go from being a single parent for so many years to now having to communicate with someone else about everything. It's insane. And I commend Pat for putting up with me as I learn how to navigate this new road.

 

It's not easy. And I'm not succeeding quickly.

 

But my hope is that some day I will get there. And we will be the set of parents that Kaley can rely on and trust to always be there for her and to always have her best interest at heart.

 

 

Because she needs that.

 

And she deserves it.

Parental Alienation? I Don't Think So.

So I've been thinking about this for a while now. Not that I really have time to think about it, but it's somehow still made its way into my thoughts. Frequently. I figured I would just write about it and be done with it.

I've been a "single parent" for several years now. Kaley was under 2 years old when her father and I separated, and just a little over three when our divorce finalized. When we first separated, he was overseas. After being gone a few more months and hardly ever calling to talk to Kaley, he came home.

As soon as he was home, we were sitting down to discuss a separation agreement. We made a few adjustments here and there and sent it back to the lawyer to have it revised so we could sign. One of the things we talked about the longest was his visitation schedule with Kaley.

I tried and tried and tried to give him as much time with our daughter as possible. I didn't want to cut him out of her life because he was her father. I didn't know my father and I felt it was important that she know hers. It's why I decided I would stay here instead of move back home to the west coast. I really wanted Kaley to know her dad.

Despite my protests, he wouldn't agree to more visitation than he had asked for. What had he asked for? Every other Saturday from 10am-8pm and Thursday evenings from 5:30pm-8pm. That's it. That's all he wanted. One evening a week and every other Saturday.

I am not kidding when I say that I offered him a day every weekend. And I offered him a full weekend each month (though he would have brought her home each night because my lawyer stated that it isn't advised in the state to have children younger than age 5 sleep at the non-custodial parents home). I did everything I could to give him as much time with her as possible. I tried my best to let her see her father as much as possible. It was important.

He wouldn't agree. So I let it go because there wasn't much else I could do. We signed the papers with the visitation he had requested and life went on. For the most part he was pretty good about his visitation. Aside from being late on a regular basis, he was really good about showing up every time. He always dropped her off 30 minutes to an hour early, but he still saw her. I figured it was as good as it was going to get and I tried not to argue it with him even though it was an inconvenience to me to have to wait for him to pick her up or be home early for him to drop her off.

Fast forward about 8 months. I'm planning a road trip and he's going away for training for the USMC. They didn't completely coincide, but it was pretty close. We agreed that we would communicate as much as possible and let him and Kaley talk on the phone. It worked out well for the first few weeks, and we actually got to the point where we were more like friends than exes who couldn't stand each other. It was pretty awesome.

When we came back home from our trip, we slid back into the same visitation agreement we had before. But then he was told he was being deployed for a second tour overseas. Ok, let's talk about this.

A few weeks before he left, he and his (now) wife broke up. They were fighting all the time, life was getting complicated and it just didn't seem to be working out. When he found out about the deployment, they decided she would move back home where her parents live. Did this affect me? Not a bit.

Except that all of a sudden, with her more or less out of the picture, we were kind to each other again. It was kind of like having my best friend from high school back. We were able to take Kaley out to dinner and have a good time. We could talk on the phone without arguing. We could spend time together and not want to kill each other at the end of it. We cleaned out his entire apartment and put everything in storage without any ill will towards one another.

It was great. For everyone involved. It was kind of perfect.

For the first several weeks of his deployment, he called a lot. At least twice a week. Communication between us was good and we were getting ready to arrange Skype calls for him and Kaley to keep in touch because what three year old wants to talk on a poorly connected phone call? Certainly not mine!

But then he and his girlfriend worked things out. He stopped calling Kaley. He stopped calling period. And promises of Skype calls became non-existent. It's almost like he completely forgot that our daughter even existed. I tried to email him and find a good time to Skype but nothing ever seemed to work out. I woke Kaley up early and signed into Skype hoping he would call her, but GF was more important and the calls never happened. So on we went with life.

He came home after being gone for 7.5 months and we fell back into the old routine. It only lasted for 3.5 weeks, though, because then he moved away. We met up, discussed a new visitation schedule and child support and signed a new agreement.

Since then we have had nothing but problems. He refused to send child support and I'm the worst person in the world because I went to child support enforcement and he's now forced to meet his obligation. He refused to pay for Kaley's plane ticket to go see him that summer, so she wasn't able to go. And when he asked me to drive her up the week before school started and I said no? Well, that didn't go so well. There was always some issue or another.

He did alright calling once a week to talk to Kaley. But she wasn't very good about talking on the phone (she was only three) and I was blamed for it. I was telling her not to talk to him. I was telling her he didn't love her. I was telling her he was never coming back. No. I wasn't doing any of those things. But I got used to being blamed for them anyways.

Later that year, in a session with Kaley's counselor, I mentioned that her father was starting to harass me. He was texting me and calling me continuously. He was leaving nasty messages on my voicemail and my home answering machine. I never knew what I was going to hear, but I knew it wasn't anything Kaley should hear. Not ever. He also called the house phone repeatedly one evening, until after 9:30 at night making it impossible for Kaley to go to sleep.

Her counselor suggested blocking his number from my cell phone because he was using it inappropriately. He also suggested blocking the number from the home phone because it wasn't a cell phone registered in his name. It was in his GF's name and he was using it to harass me. Therefore I had reason to block the number and refuse calls from it. I even went so far as to change my cell phone number.

Maybe this wasn't the best idea, but it was all I could do to get away from the harassment. If he wished to talk to Kaley, all he had to do was send an email and request it or call from another phone. I didn't tell him he couldn't talk to her. I just made it clear that his actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted Kaley to live in a positive environment, with joy and love and an optimistic view of life and the world.

 

For months he didn't call. Because he wouldn't find another means to call. And I was blamed for it because I put an end to the harassment. I blocked the phone number for good reason, but I'm still the bad guy. Who else's fault could everything be? Surely not his own. Surely he didn't act childishly.

Eventually he got a new cell phone, registered in his name, and calls began again. But more often than not Kaley would say she didn't want to talk. I don't believe in forcing a child to talk to someone they don't want to talk to. It's not going to do anything but cause resentment and unhappiness. So I never made her talk. Maybe I was wrong for that, I don't know.

I did my best to explain to him that she didn't want to talk because she didn't know him anymore. She'd gotten to the point where she couldn't even identify him in pictures. She needed to see him in order to make the relationship real and worth something to her. I suggested Skype calls. He refused for well over a year. Because he didn't want to have to see me.

I was finally able to convince him to do Skype calls this past January. They have happened fairly regularly, and only been completely cancelled once due to a Facebook post stating they didn't actually want to have the call. But for the majority of the year the calls have taken place at least twice a month.

Recently it's come to my attention that her father and stepmother are telling everyone and their brother that I have alienated Kaley from her father. Apparently I have gone out of my way to ensure that they don't have a relationship. I have made it clear to Kaley that she is not to talk to her father, nor is she allowed to love him. I have told her that he doesn't love her and he moved away because he didn't like her.

No, no, no and NO! I have done absolutely NONE of these things. I have supported Kaley in her love for her father. I have encouraged her to talk with him and get to know him. I have sat through phone calls and Skype calls during which he has made open and subtle derogatory comments about me.

In my heart, I know that I have not always done everything the way I should have. I'm not a perfect parent and I have never claimed to be. But I feel like I have done my best with the situation that was handed to me. I have done my best to make this craziness work for everyone. I have tried to find the good in all of the bad. But it's not easy.

I feel like it isn't my job to ensure that there is a relationship between Kaley and her father. That's HIS job. It is MY job to encourage the relationship. But not to force it upon her. Not to make her hate both him and me because I made her talk to him when she didn't want to. I want her to love both of us, and I want her to love his wife and Pat. But she has to decide to love us all on her own terms.

Kaley's growing up and learning at an incredible rate. She's intelligent and not much gets by her. She's paid attention over the years and I've let her come to her own conclusions. Kaley tells me often that she doesn't think her father loves her because he doesn't show her by coming to visit. She tells me that she doesn't feel like he is her daddy because he isn't here to do anything with her. Kaley says she doesn't want to call him daddy anymore because he doesn't do the things a dad should do.

Actions speak louder than words. I think that's the biggest message I want for Kaley's father to understand. It doesn't matter how much you say you love someone, they have to see it. It doesn't matter how many Skype calls we have, without an actual visit, you're not going to have much of a relationship.

 

I've accepted that he will never understand this. My truth isn't his truth. Which means that my truth must be the lie. Nothing I ever say is accurate or honest according to him and his wife. And I guess that's just the reality they have to live in to be at peace with the decisions they have made to not maintain a good relationship with Kaley.


I don't want to feel like I've given up, though, because I don't think it's right to give up on people. So maybe I'll just hold out a little bit of hope that maybe someday things can be different. Just a little bit so I'm not completely disappointed. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to say I've witnessed a miracle.

 

 

Skype Call Gone Wrong (and a Call with the Sherriff's Department)

I have a huge exam to take tomorrow. I'm stressed over the exam, but there's something else weighing on my mind. It's been there for a while now, and I've sort of addressed it over on the Facebook page, but not to the point where I feel like I've gotten it out of my system.

Several weeks ago, Kaley was having a Skype call with her father. These calls aren't new. We've been holding them roughly every other week since January. It took him a while, but he finally came around to the concept of keeping them consistent, so that's what we've started.

Let's set the stage.

Kaley and I are sitting on the couch, the laptop is up and running and we're waiting for the telltale Skype call ringtone to sound. He's usually pretty good about being on time and this week was no exception. Cue the start of the call.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Kaley has ADHD. She's very easily distracted and often it's a task to get her to stay focused long enough to talk about one topic for more than thirty seconds. Most of these calls consist of flitting from one topic to another, briefly touching on the highlights of each.

After covering the basics (school, the weather, anything fun) we finally hit on a topic she will talk about. She'd recently attended a friends sleepover birthday party.

This friend has been in Kaley's class since they were in preschool. We've known the family for years, and their oldest son is one of my students. I'm familiar with them, Kaley is familiar with them and we trust them completely. I've never seen anything negative from either parent or heard anything that would cause me to worry.

The plan for the party was more than it is for most kids their age, but they are also growing up and times are changing. The girls (there were only 3 in attendance aside from Kaley and the birthday girl for a total of 5 girls) began their party at a local park. They played, the had dinner and the enjoyed cake and ice cream. From there the plan was to go to a hotel where they would open gifts, go swimming and settle in with a movie before it was lights out. The plan for the following morning was breakfast, followed by a trip to the nail salon and then meeting parents back at the local park. Was it more than Kaley is used to? Absolutely. But did I think she could handle it? Of course. And did I think the parents could handle it? There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

When Kaley came home from the party, we talked about it for a long time. She had so much fun and she started in on planning similar events for her own birthday next year! Talk about a kid who just couldn't contain her excitement over the entire event!

Back on the Skype call, the topic was suggested in her conversation with her father. She just went on and on. What about? Not the cake, not the movie, not the park or getting her nails done. She started describing a situation which she hadn't told me about and which was of some interest to her father and I.

What was she describing? A situation in which she and the other girls were at the hotel pool. There was an older man and his 12 year old son also there and she stated that they were being mean to the girls. Kaley told us that they had some toys and the man and his son kept taking their ball away and keeping it from them.

For the first time in years, her father finally truly paid attention to her and seemed interested. I proceeded to ask her a few questions. Was the birthday girls mom around? Were the girls being mean to the man and his son? Were they all playing together? Did birthday girls mom do anything or say anything?

Her answers all seemed alright with me, but I made a mental note to talk with the parent who was in attendance at the time. Apparently, though, I should have done something about it immediately.

Her father, with Kaley still right there on the Skype call, proceeded to lay into me about how I was neglecting our child and that I should have been on the phone with the police and he just went on and on and on. Literally raising his voice at me.

I did my best to tell him calmly that I would look into the situation and let him know what information I was able to gather from the parent. Calm and rational wasn't working, though, because he just kept at it. After about two minutes of this Kaley stomped her way across the house to Gramma's room, announcing that she was never going to talk to her Daddy again. At that point I told him it was either the end of the discussion or the end of the call.

He chose end of call.

So I ended the call because he started to raise his voice again.

Not two minutes later he was trying to call back. I denied the call. He messaged me telling me again that I wasn't taking the situation seriously and I was neglecting our child and that I was wrong to allow her to go to this birthday party.

I messaged him back, told him I was going to look into the situation and I would let him know. Then I signed off.

Now, of course, my first action was to send a message to the parent. I described the situation Kaley had told us about, questioned what had actually occurred and asked if she would provide a logical explanation. In the mean time I decided to put Kaley to bed and tell her we would discuss whether she had to talk to her father again later.

Kaley is a fantastic story teller. She also doesn't always see things the way an adult would. Knowing her the way that I do, and understanding that her perception of a situation could be vastly different than what actually happened, I waited.

What adults see vs. what children see

It wasn't long before I had a message back from the parent who was at the party explaining the situation.

Yes, there was a man and his 12-year-old son. It's a pool. At a hotel. It wasn't likely they'd have it to themselves. The girls had some toys, but they didn't have a ball to play with. The man and his son did. They were kind enough to invite the girls to play. Now, lets look at a young boy and a group of 7 & 8 year old girls. What's their favorite game? Keep away. So the girls would get the ball and not give it back. Then the boy would get the ball and not give it back. No one was being mean in the true sense of the word, but a 7 year old could see it that way.

Not two minutes after I received a response from the parent did the telephone ring. No, not the parent. Nope, not Kaley's father.

The Sherriff's Department.

Seriously?? You couldn't give me enough time to get in touch with the parent like I told you I would? Apparently that's too much to ask for and I'm supposed to be some sort of miracle worker or telepath who can communicate with anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Sorry, buddy, I don't work that way.

I calmly explained the situation to the Deputy, who laughed and understood completely how a child's imagination can get in the way of truly knowing what happened in a situation as he has a 4-year-old himself, and hung up. Oh, I also mentioned that this isn't the first time Kaley's father has called, and it isn't the first false report he's made. The Deputy made note of it and said he'd put it in the file.

I decided to log back in to Skype to clear out the messages I was certain he had sent me. And, of course, there's more. Now I'm childish for ending the call even though he was raising his voice at me. I'm a narcissist because I can't see how a situation like that would affect my child (seriously!? You didn't give me time to investigate the situation!). I'm wrong to trust the parent because obviously they're going to say anything to get out of a situation which could get them in trouble. I'm a terrible parent, blah, blah, blah. It's the usual things I hear from him all the time. I get it.

The aftermath?

Well, I spent the next two weeks trying to convince Kaley that she at least needed to get on Skype. Even if all she did was tell him she didn't want to talk, she had to appear and say it herself. I couldn't do it for her.

In that two weeks Kaley also asked, multiple times, if Pat could adopt her and be her "forever dad".

She also announced to Gramma that she was going to start calling Pat "Dad". And she has been more often than not.

Oh, and she announced that she didn't want to call her biological father "Daddy" anymore.

She wants to call him by his first name.

We've had a call since then, which is another story entirely. I'll update you on that soon. But I wonder if he noticed that during the most recent call she didn't once call him "Daddy"? Or address him by any name at all?

As KBug Starts Second Grade

My baby girl is starting second grade tomorrow. It's seriously scary and I am stressing over this year more than any other year. But I think I say that every year. This year carries some new things with it, though. So I thought I would write down some things I want her to know before she begins her academic year.

*Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. You're little, just be yourself. It doesn't matter as much as you already think it does. (Sidenote- why do kids worry about so much at such a young age now!?)
*The bully is gone. You are safe this year. Your teacher knows, your mom knows, Gramma knows and Mr. Boston knows the troubles we've faced in the past. You will be completely safe from all teasing and physical harm this year, I promise.
*You are capable. Don't worry about the hard stuff. You thought last year was hard and you made it through. Just trust me when I say you can do it.
*Math will get easier. I know you hate it, I know you struggle, but it will get better as you get older. Once you've got the basics, you'll be good to go. And you're almost there!
*Don't sweat the silly names people call you. Your name is part of your identity. As long as YOU know who you are, nothing else matters.
*Stay true to yourself. Someone who is as smart and beautiful and sweet as you shouldn't try to change for anyone.
*Everybody has bad days. No one is perfect. If you don't get 100% on your AR test, it's OK! No one will be mad at you and it's not the end of the world.
*You are loved. Always. By so many people both at home and at school. Always remember that you are loved.

Short and sweet, but I think it's important to write it down. And I'm going to read it to her tomorrow before school. It might not set in, but I'm going to try. That's all we can do as parents anyways!

New England Aquarium [Boston]

I guess it's that time. Time to write about our trip to the New England Aquarium. But this wasn't an easy trip like the past few days had been. Why?

Because KBug's father met us there.

 

I didn't receive confirmation from the Ex Husband that he and his family would be joining us until the afternoon before. Naturally I hadn't told her that he would be joining us yet because I didn't want to get her hopes up and then have him disappoint her as he has countless times before. I didn't think that would be fair to her. She has had so much emotional upset in her life because of her father that I didn't want to cause an additional upset if there was no reason.

 

So Mr. Boston, KBug and I got up that morning, drove into Boston and found the parking garage. ($35 for parking. Ouch!) Once we parked the car, we put what we needed in our little backpack (wallets, phones, band-aids, etc.) and I held KBug for a minute while I told her about the day.

 

I told her that her father and his family were coming to join us and was met with a sort of blank stare. She found her voice and repeated it, after which she said "OK, can we go in now?"

 

So far so good.

 

Off we went to wait in line for tickets. If I had been smart I would have thought to reserve them online ahead of time, but I wasn't that smart. Oh well. It only took us about ten minutes to get through the line, pay for our tickets and have our picture taken before entering the aquarium.

 

Rather than standing around with a KBug who couldn't wait to go into the aquarium, Mr. Boston and I decided to take her into the small section right off the entrance where you can pet the stingrays. She's always loved the open tanks where she can feel the stingrays as the swim by, so I thought it would be a good distraction. Especially since I had yet to hear from the Ex Husband.

 

After spending a few minutes in there, I finally got a text that said they were in line for tickets. OK, I told him where we were and we decided we would meet just inside the aquarium entrance. Not a problem. I took KBug to the restroom and we waited. And we waited. And we waited. KBug isn't good at waiting and she wasn't all that interested in waiting for Daddy, to be honest. She was more interested in me holding her and talking about what was in the aquarium that we might see.

 

Once they made it into the aquarium and over to us, the Ex Husband said hi to KBug and she just sort of stared at him. Like I said before, she wasn't very interested. After bathroom trips for their family, KBug got slightly more comfortable and started up a conversation with their 3.5-year-old son and tried to talk with their 1.5-year-old daughter.

 

Then we headed into the aquarium. We sort of stuck together as a group, going to see the Seal show outside and venturing around the first floor. But once we started moving up around the giant tank in the center of the aquarium, we weren't really a group anymore.

 

KBug has always loved aquariums. But she wants to see everything. So she doesn't stay in one spot for very long. Basically she was constantly on the move, to the point where getting pictures of her was a little bit difficult because she didn't want to stand still. I managed, though.

 

We stayed together in something resembling a group through the second floor. But KBug had missed the jellyfish and I wanted to be sure she saw them. So I pulled her away, mentioned I was taking her to see the jellyfish and we went down to the tank.

 

By the time I turned around, they were gone. Mr. Boston, KBug and I thought we would move up to the next level to see if we could find them. Well, we couldn't. KBug was anxious to keep looking and was calling continuously to Mr. Boston and I to come see the tanks, so we moved on figuring we would run into them soon.

 

A few minutes later I received a text asking where we were. I told them we were on the third floor. They asked if we weren't a group anymore and I explained that I had taken her to see the jellyfish and they were gone when I turned around. They responded that they were at the top floor. I said we would be there soon.

 

We finished up half of the third floor and made our way up to the top. It took us a minute to locate them once we were up there, and by the time we did they were heading back downstairs. Awesome. I let KBug look around and then we headed down to meet them.

 

Their children were hot and hungry and getting a little cranky so they wanted to take them downstairs and move towards leaving. KBug wanted to see the other half of the third floor. So they went down, and we kept looking.

 

Eventually we found them downstairs. The Ex Husband had taken their son to see the stingrays and such, and KBug wanted to see them again so in we went. Apparently we had missed a lower level while we were in there earlier, so down to the lower level we went. It worked out awesome for me because they had more jellyfish down there and that's my favorite exhibit at aquariums, and KBug was able to experience a few more touch tanks.

 

After that we hit up the gift shop, made our purchases and left the aquarium. At that point they suggested lunch, so we headed out on a short walk to Faneuil Hall and Quincy Market. Mr. Boston had been dying to take me to Faneuil Hall all week and figured it would be the easiest way for everyone to get what they wanted to eat and then find a place outside to sit.

 

They decided that wasn't going to work for them and wanted a restaurant to sit down at. They chose Cheers. We found it, we sat, and it was pretty awkward. The Ex Husband made some attempt to talk to KBug but wasn't all that successful. When the only topics you have to talk about are school, fishing, pigs and chickens you aren't going to hold the interest of a 7-year-old for very long. And talking about fishing wasn't the best idea because it only reminded her that she would get to go fishing that evening when we went back to the campgrounds.

 

After everyone had eaten and we paid our separate checks, KBug hopped up and told her father she was ready to leave now so she could go fishing at the campground. Mr. Boston and I hadn't made any mention of leaving to her, so I was surprised when she said she was ready to go. Children know when they've reached their limits, and I guess that was her way of saying she had reached hers and didn't want to spend anymore time with him.

 

So we left the restaurant, she gave him something resembling a hug and we were on our way.

 

She made no mention of seeing him again for the duration of our trip. I had her write about something we did every day in a notebook, with a space for writing and a space for pictures, so she can have it to remember our summer, and he didn't even make it into that. I think that speaks volumes.

 

Anyways. That was our day at the New England Aquarium. And, like every other day, of course I took an abundance of pictures.

 

Excited for the aquarium!

Stingray tank

I love her so much!

She pulled  Mr. Boston's hand and dragged him to almost every exhibit

 

Jellyfish!

More jellyfish!

Since being home, KBug has only mentioned seeing her father once, as she was looking at the aquarium pictures with Gramma. Gramma had asked her if anything else happened at the aquarium and she shrugged and said her Daddy was there. She then told Gramma he was boring. I think that about covers it.

 

If you haven't read about our previous Boston adventures, you can read all about the Museum of Science, the Children's Museum, 4th of July, and Canoe River Campground by following the links.

 

Next stop: Franklin Park Zoo

Is A Compromise Possible?

I sent a letter to the Ex Husband the other day. And I decided to send it two ways. It could have been really easy if I had an email address for him. But (1) I'm not sure if he has one, and (2) I know he wouldn't give it to me if he did.

How do I know that he wouldn't give it to me? Well because according to them I am the worst person in the world and I would abuse the privilege of having his email address. I have nothing better to do with my time, right? All I do is sit around and pine for my ex husband and wish that he would come back to me? Ha! Not a chance.

Anyways. So I sent this letter. I sent it through snail mail and I sent it through Facebook. But the Ex Husband doesn't use his Facebook account as far as I know, so I sent it in a message to his GF. I figured why not? As long as he sees it some way or another, I don't care how it gets to him. Communication has always been an issue between us and I didn't want to risk a phone call because that usually ends up with both of us frustrated, raised voices and it's just never good.

Now I think this was a reasonable letter. I think I am being reasonable in my requests and I am hopeful that he will work with me to make this as simple as possible for everyone.

What were my requests? That the Skype calls between him and KBug happen consistently. And that they happen always on the same day of the week, at the same time.

I gave him some things to think about. I asked him to choose the frequency of these calls, whether it be weekly or bi-weekly, and I gave him the opportunity to choose the day of the week.

I don't want to dictate anything. I don't want to control every little thing. But we need to find a way to compromise and find what works best for all of us. I understand that he has a family- I have a family, too. I understand that he and his GF both have work schedules to be considered- I have a work schedule to be considered, as well.

My work schedule is going to be crazy this year. There are certain days of the week that do not work for us, and I told him as much in the letter. I suggested a time that would work best for KBug and I, but I am open to a new time suggestion should he need a change.

Will he be willing to compromise with me and find a solution? I can't say. At this point all I know is that he read the letter and I was told he wanted to think about it for a few days. Honestly, I'm not sure what there is to think about, but I'm willing to let it go and wait.

I know that what I am asking may complicate their life. It will certainly complicate ours, too, because whatever night they choose will ultimately be a night that we cannot make plans. But I am willing to make that sacrifice. Whether or not they are, I can't say. I have to wait to hear from them.

I'm hopeful that he will be understanding of the fact that I need to set a routine for KBug and I this year. She will be in second grade, with more homework and projects, with at least one extra-curricular activity. I am teaching five grade levels of religion this year, as well as teaching middle school faith formation on Sunday evenings. On top of that I am in charge of the cheer team, training for a half marathon and finishing my degree. Chaos is what our lives could be. Chaos is what I am trying to avoid.

The only way that I can see to avoid chaos is to have a specific routine. We need a schedule. We need to know what is going on at any specific moment and what is happening next. Maybe it's not the fun way to live life, but it is the only way I can see for us to make it through this year.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Is he willing to compromise and work with me to continue calls with KBug? Or is he perfectly content to give up his communication with her?

Only time will tell.

Just A Little Bit of Help Goes a Long Way

Good morning everyone! We are back from our vacation and we are all so happy to be home!

Mr. Boston, KBug and  I had a fabulous trip up to Boston, and I have tons of pictures to show everyone, but I'm not quite ready to do that just yet. So, in the meantime, I want to sit here and tell you all about how absolutely amazing Mr. Boston was on this trip.

Now, when I say "absolutely amazing", I truly mean it. I've taken vacations before, I've been on trips here and there with people before. Let me tell you, taking a vacation is often more work than just staying home. There's always places to go, people to see, things to do. And then there's the packing before, and the unpacking afterwards. And the money? Yeah, that all disappears fairly quickly, too.

And this trip was really no different.

Except I had help.
 

This may not seem like a huge thing, but- trust me- it is. I have spent so long being on my own and doing everything myself, especially when it comes to KBug, that it is often hard for me to ask for help. And I don't like to ask for help because I feel like that makes me dependent on someone else. And it's often hard for me to accept help when it's offered.

 

When Mr. Boston originally offered to help, we were in the process of packing. I had made my lists, I knew what we needed and I was ready to get to it. Except that I had seventeen thousand loads of laundry to run before I had everything. I swear all I did for the week before we left was laundry, laundry and more laundry. It was never ending. But once it was finally all done and I was starting to pack, Mr. Boston was right there with me. He sat down with my list, read it off to me and checked it all off as I put clothing and shoes into the suitcases. And if I needed something more from another room, he hopped up quick to grab it for me. And just that little bit of help made all the difference in the world.

 

I'm used to packing taking me several hours. Packing for this trip took me only one hour. And that was packing for all three of us. I was absolutely astounded by the difference it made, and how much less stressful it was for me just having someone sit there and read off a list.

 

The next morning I was working around the house, putting together our bags for in the car. You know, the bag with all the items necessary to keep a seven-year-old occupied during a road trip. It took quite some time to pull everything together, but I wasn't too worried about it. After all, Mr. Boston was there to help and he was! He cleaned out the car and packed it full of all the bags I had already packed, and continued to organize and fill the car as I finished packing more bags. I was standing there looking at the packed car thinking "Isn't this supposed to be my job?" And he's just standing there, waiting for me to get in because we are ready to hit the road!

 

When we made it to his Aunt's home outside of Boston, he was still more than willing to help me out. We brought in the suitcases together. He made sure that KBug and I had everything we needed to take a shower and get ready for the day. Mr. Boston was totally attentive to our needs, and put them above his own. It was so sweet.

 

The rest of the week continued like that. We spent a day at the Museum of Science, and another at the Boston Children's Museum, and he helped me out with KBug. If she was getting restless while waiting for something or she wouldn't listen to me when I was asking her to do something, he would get her attention and ask her to listen for just a minute. And it was like magic. Maybe I should be worried that she listens so well to him? But I think for now I'll just enjoy it because it's helping her to focus more and in the end we are all ending up much happier than we could have been.

 

Friday morning we were getting ready to leave his Aunt's house to head to the campground. This brought on the first meltdown of the trip. And it wasn't KBug or Mr. Boston. It was me. And it wasn't really a meltdown so much as it was just a bit of frustration that I wasn't sure how to address. We had started our laundry the night before and I was waiting for the last of it to dry. While I was waiting, I was folding and packing the laundry that was already finished. Not a big deal. Except that KBug was seriously cranky that morning and wouldn't listen to me for anything.

 

During this whole experience, Mr. Boston was out on the front porch talking with his family. I didn't want to bother him while he was with his family because I know it's important to him. And it's important to me that he spend time with them. So I was trying to let it go. I was doing my best to deal with KBug on one side and fold and pack laundry on the other. It was definitely not an easy task.

 

After a while he came inside and he immediately knew something was wrong. I just couldn't hide it from him. And I think he was glad that I couldn't because he was more than willing to help. He told me he wanted to help and asked me what I needed to do. As soon as I let it out and told him, he was moving suitcases, taking KBug out to play and helping me out. He told me I should have just come out and asked and I told him why I didn't. He understood, but also told me that I was important and that I need to remember that he is here for me whenever I need him.

 

Later that day at the campgrounds, Mr. Boston took KBug fishing. She used to go fishing with the Ex Husband when he saw her, but it's been years and she's been asking me for a new fishing pole. I am not into fishing. Not one bit. But Mr. Boston took us to the store, bought her the Princess Fishing Pole she wanted and took her out to the pond. It was probably the sweetest thing I have ever seen watching him re-teach her how to bait her hook and cast her line. Adorable!

 

Now, here's where I really am completely blown away by the open-mind and huge heart Mr. Boston has. He absolutely adores KBug. He treats her as though she is his little princess and gives her all the love a little girl could possibly need. It's so wonderful to watch them together and I love him more for loving my baby girl. But he also understands that KBug has a father. Sure, Mr. Boston knows the history, he knows what's going on currently and he was aware of the fact that KBug hadn't seen her father in 3 and a half years. But he also understood that it was important for me to tell KBug's father that we were going to be up in Boston and invite him to come see her.

 

He isn't trying to take KBug's father's place, and I think that makes a huge difference in our relationship, as well as the relationship he has with KBug. Sure, he may treat her as though she's his own, but he knows she has a father and he isn't trying to be a father to her. Just a strong male role model.

 

Well, Mr. Boston had the pleasure of meeting the Ex Husband, his GF and their two children at the aquarium in Boston this past Saturday. And he was so easy-going about it. He didn't act any differently around KBug, because there was no reason for him to. He still hugged her, pointed things out to her and followed her around wherever she went. And I couldn't have asked for anything more.

 

It was a real eye-opener to see how he was with her versus how her father was with her. I'll get around to writing about that at another time, I promise. But for now, just now that Mr. Boston was more fatherly to KBug during that trip than the Ex Husband was.

 

Moving on. I woke up on Sunday with a terrible cold. It was dreadful. But I toughed it out knowing we had a full day at the Zoo, followed by a long drive to Philadelphia. By the end of our jaunt at the zoo, though, I was seriously exhausted. Mr. Boston helped me out again by setting up the DVD player for KBug and urging me to just go to sleep. So I did. And I slept for the majority of the six hour drive to Philadelphia, waking only to drive the last 45 minutes when he was so exhausted he couldn't hardly keep his eyes open. By that point I was beginning to feel better and was more awake than I had been earlier in the day so it was an easy drive for me.

 

We were only supposed to stay one night in Philadelphia, but I was still feeling so awful when we woke up Monday morning that we decided to stay an extra night so Mr. Boston wouldn't have to drive the entire way after an exhausting day touring the city. And he helped me out again that night by going with me to enjoy dinner with some old friends and then run laundry back at the hotel. Who would have thought that having help switching around laundry loads would make me feel so much better about everything? I certainly didn't!

 

The next morning we were packed and back on the road. Mr. Boston started the drive and we switched about half way through. A few hours later he was feeling more rested and just ready to get home so we switched back. And by the time we made it home he was still being helpful! He helped me unload the car, locate souvenirs, show pictures to Gramma and PJP and get KBug settled down.

 

Maybe this isn't much in the grand scheme of things, but in my life, Mr. Boston made a huge difference this past week and a half. Just being there was soothing to me, but he took it a step further and actually helped me out. He made a massive difference in the amount of stress I carried just by offering to do the little things I am so used to having to do on my own.

 

I have to say that this was the most restful vacation I have experienced since I have been a mother. Sure, I still had KBug to entertain every second of every day and we had our week packed full with things to do. But I also had my Mr. Boston. And he helped me hold it together and made it possible for me to fully enjoy our vacation.

 

It is truly amazing how just a little help can go a long way.

 

And we are so blessed to have such a wonderful man in our lives.

 

Is There a "Right Time" to Teach Our Children About the Bad Happenings in the Real World?

Ah, the end of another day. And today was a very trying day. KBug was just off kilter from the moment she woke up this morning and it kind of went downhill from there. But we've survived, and I'm feeling accomplished. The sink is (mostly) empty, the laundry is (almost) done, KBug is (hopefully) sleeping and I am drinking a (full) glass of wine. It's a good night.

But anyways.

 

Mr. Boston is (kind of obviously) originally from Boston. And being from that area he is a huge New England Patriots fan. And if you haven't been paying attention to the news, there is a huge story about one of their players.

"Real" Single Mom?

Today is Tuesday. And today being Tuesday, and the end of the day, means I have officially survived seven full days without my Gramma in the house. And that, my wonderful friends, means that I've actually survived running this household on my own for an entire week.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I'm not a "real" single mom because I live with a family member and I don't pay rent. Well, true, I live with my Gramma and I don't have to pay rent to her. But I do pay for all of my own groceries, covering myself, KBug and PJP. I also pay my own car bill and KBug's tuition for school. Neither of those were easy to do this past year while I was only working 5-10 hours per week in order to get further ahead in my studies so I can graduate this fall. But I never missed a payment.

It's The Little Things In Life That Become The Big Things

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a mother and what it means to me. And I decided that I would write about it because, well, that's just what I do. I came to realize that, overall, being a mother to me is taking care to pay attention to the little things. It's no secret that the little things in life all add up to be the big things. And, in my life, the big thing is happiness. All of these little things that KBug and I share have come together to bring us a life full of happiness and I think that is so incredibly important.

Single Mama Troubles [four]:: Being Daddy

Today is Father's Day. And I have had several people wish me a Happy Father's Day. Now, this is endlessly confusing to KBug because, obviously, I'm not her father. I tried to explain it to her, and I think she got it. Sort of...

Look on the Bright Side! And Snap a Photo While You're At It!

So I know that there can be a lot of "downsides" to being a single parent. I've spent some time writing about them in my Single Mama Troubles series which you can read by following these links: one - two - three.  And these "downsides" can make life as a single parent very difficult to navigate at times. In the end, of course, these "downsides" are always worth it because you have a happy, healthy child whom you love more than life itself.

And let me be clear. There are very good things about being a single parent. And one of my favorites is being the one who gets all of the best photo ops!

Single Mama Troubles [three]:: Child Support

Alright, let's talk about this. All of us strong, beautiful, hard-working, selfless, respectable single mamas (and daddy's) out there have problems with it. There's really just no getting around it, no matter how everything goes down.

Single Mama Troubles [two]:: "Me" Time

So I wrote a while back about one of the things I have had the most trouble with being a single parent. I wrote about the difficulty of making friends. You can read about it here.

Today I want to write about another area I struggle with as a single parent, and I know many other single parents struggle with, too. Today I want to write about having "me" time.

"I Don't Want To Talk To Daddy Today"

I have had a few posts running through my head over the course of the last few days. And I'm still sitting here debating what to write about. Sometimes I have so much going on in my head that it's hard to really pin point one thing to focus on. But for now I think I will focus on KBug's Skype call with her father last week.

I wrote briefly that KBug wasn't enthusiastic about a call with her father last Wednesday. I had told her earlier in the afternoon that the call was set up and she just told me she didn't want to talk him that day.

Ok, we'll talk about it again later.

This and That

So if you read my So What Wednesday! post from earlier today, you know that I wasn't all that motivated this morning. But I have good news. I found my motivation!

Honestly? There wasn't any one thing that specifically motivated me to start getting things done. It was just that I needed to do it and I knew it. So I hopped up and started getting things done. Yay me!

Sometimes it's really easy at the end of a school term when I'm finished with my classes (Yay, I passed my marketing paper!) to get really lazy for a couple of weeks while I'm waiting for my next term to begin. So I usually slack off way more than I should, but I'm trying really hard to not do that with the next two and a half weeks. I am only 39 units away from graduation. And I could easily get the work done for 12 of those units in the next two and a half weeks. I wouldn't be able to submit my papers or schedule my test until after June 3rd, but I could be ready to do that as soon as I talked to my mentor. And that would put me at only 27 units left before graduation.

Homework This Week [KBug's and Mine]

So after spending the majority of my day working on this marketing paper I am very ready for this marketing paper to just be done and over already. Honestly, it's not that hard. But it's time consuming. And it's annoying. And I'm not even a Marketing student.

I understand why it would be important for me to have knowledge of the concepts of marketing and promotion. But why do I have to write an entire marketing plan? Wouldn't my time be better spent studying for me HUGE Human Resources exam I have to take in just two months time? Well, one would think. But nooooo.... Marketing plan first.

KBug's Night Owl Birthday Sleepover [Pictures]

Ok, let me break it down for you.

• It's been almost a full week since KBug's birthday party and I haven't written a post about it yet.
• I've spent the past several hours working on a Marketing paper.
• KBug will be home from school in just a few short hours.

Basically, I'm going to take this opportunity to write a blog post because, well, it's likely the only opportunity I will get for the next few days. Our lives have gotten so chaotic now that we are headed on towards summer and I love it! But it is leaving little time for things like my own schoolwork which completely puts blogging on the back burner. I'm going to do my best to keep it all up, though, even with extra time outside, yard work, more play dates and what seems like continuous baking for a couple of guys who now have no problems what-so-ever with my love of Pinterest because that's where I am getting all of my recipes.