Skype Call Gone Wrong (and a Call with the Sherriff's Department)

I have a huge exam to take tomorrow. I'm stressed over the exam, but there's something else weighing on my mind. It's been there for a while now, and I've sort of addressed it over on the Facebook page, but not to the point where I feel like I've gotten it out of my system.

Several weeks ago, Kaley was having a Skype call with her father. These calls aren't new. We've been holding them roughly every other week since January. It took him a while, but he finally came around to the concept of keeping them consistent, so that's what we've started.

Let's set the stage.

Kaley and I are sitting on the couch, the laptop is up and running and we're waiting for the telltale Skype call ringtone to sound. He's usually pretty good about being on time and this week was no exception. Cue the start of the call.

Now, for those of you who don't know, Kaley has ADHD. She's very easily distracted and often it's a task to get her to stay focused long enough to talk about one topic for more than thirty seconds. Most of these calls consist of flitting from one topic to another, briefly touching on the highlights of each.

After covering the basics (school, the weather, anything fun) we finally hit on a topic she will talk about. She'd recently attended a friends sleepover birthday party.

This friend has been in Kaley's class since they were in preschool. We've known the family for years, and their oldest son is one of my students. I'm familiar with them, Kaley is familiar with them and we trust them completely. I've never seen anything negative from either parent or heard anything that would cause me to worry.

The plan for the party was more than it is for most kids their age, but they are also growing up and times are changing. The girls (there were only 3 in attendance aside from Kaley and the birthday girl for a total of 5 girls) began their party at a local park. They played, the had dinner and the enjoyed cake and ice cream. From there the plan was to go to a hotel where they would open gifts, go swimming and settle in with a movie before it was lights out. The plan for the following morning was breakfast, followed by a trip to the nail salon and then meeting parents back at the local park. Was it more than Kaley is used to? Absolutely. But did I think she could handle it? Of course. And did I think the parents could handle it? There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

When Kaley came home from the party, we talked about it for a long time. She had so much fun and she started in on planning similar events for her own birthday next year! Talk about a kid who just couldn't contain her excitement over the entire event!

Back on the Skype call, the topic was suggested in her conversation with her father. She just went on and on. What about? Not the cake, not the movie, not the park or getting her nails done. She started describing a situation which she hadn't told me about and which was of some interest to her father and I.

What was she describing? A situation in which she and the other girls were at the hotel pool. There was an older man and his 12 year old son also there and she stated that they were being mean to the girls. Kaley told us that they had some toys and the man and his son kept taking their ball away and keeping it from them.

For the first time in years, her father finally truly paid attention to her and seemed interested. I proceeded to ask her a few questions. Was the birthday girls mom around? Were the girls being mean to the man and his son? Were they all playing together? Did birthday girls mom do anything or say anything?

Her answers all seemed alright with me, but I made a mental note to talk with the parent who was in attendance at the time. Apparently, though, I should have done something about it immediately.

Her father, with Kaley still right there on the Skype call, proceeded to lay into me about how I was neglecting our child and that I should have been on the phone with the police and he just went on and on and on. Literally raising his voice at me.

I did my best to tell him calmly that I would look into the situation and let him know what information I was able to gather from the parent. Calm and rational wasn't working, though, because he just kept at it. After about two minutes of this Kaley stomped her way across the house to Gramma's room, announcing that she was never going to talk to her Daddy again. At that point I told him it was either the end of the discussion or the end of the call.

He chose end of call.

So I ended the call because he started to raise his voice again.

Not two minutes later he was trying to call back. I denied the call. He messaged me telling me again that I wasn't taking the situation seriously and I was neglecting our child and that I was wrong to allow her to go to this birthday party.

I messaged him back, told him I was going to look into the situation and I would let him know. Then I signed off.

Now, of course, my first action was to send a message to the parent. I described the situation Kaley had told us about, questioned what had actually occurred and asked if she would provide a logical explanation. In the mean time I decided to put Kaley to bed and tell her we would discuss whether she had to talk to her father again later.

Kaley is a fantastic story teller. She also doesn't always see things the way an adult would. Knowing her the way that I do, and understanding that her perception of a situation could be vastly different than what actually happened, I waited.

What adults see vs. what children see

It wasn't long before I had a message back from the parent who was at the party explaining the situation.

Yes, there was a man and his 12-year-old son. It's a pool. At a hotel. It wasn't likely they'd have it to themselves. The girls had some toys, but they didn't have a ball to play with. The man and his son did. They were kind enough to invite the girls to play. Now, lets look at a young boy and a group of 7 & 8 year old girls. What's their favorite game? Keep away. So the girls would get the ball and not give it back. Then the boy would get the ball and not give it back. No one was being mean in the true sense of the word, but a 7 year old could see it that way.

Not two minutes after I received a response from the parent did the telephone ring. No, not the parent. Nope, not Kaley's father.

The Sherriff's Department.

Seriously?? You couldn't give me enough time to get in touch with the parent like I told you I would? Apparently that's too much to ask for and I'm supposed to be some sort of miracle worker or telepath who can communicate with anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Sorry, buddy, I don't work that way.

I calmly explained the situation to the Deputy, who laughed and understood completely how a child's imagination can get in the way of truly knowing what happened in a situation as he has a 4-year-old himself, and hung up. Oh, I also mentioned that this isn't the first time Kaley's father has called, and it isn't the first false report he's made. The Deputy made note of it and said he'd put it in the file.

I decided to log back in to Skype to clear out the messages I was certain he had sent me. And, of course, there's more. Now I'm childish for ending the call even though he was raising his voice at me. I'm a narcissist because I can't see how a situation like that would affect my child (seriously!? You didn't give me time to investigate the situation!). I'm wrong to trust the parent because obviously they're going to say anything to get out of a situation which could get them in trouble. I'm a terrible parent, blah, blah, blah. It's the usual things I hear from him all the time. I get it.

The aftermath?

Well, I spent the next two weeks trying to convince Kaley that she at least needed to get on Skype. Even if all she did was tell him she didn't want to talk, she had to appear and say it herself. I couldn't do it for her.

In that two weeks Kaley also asked, multiple times, if Pat could adopt her and be her "forever dad".

She also announced to Gramma that she was going to start calling Pat "Dad". And she has been more often than not.

Oh, and she announced that she didn't want to call her biological father "Daddy" anymore.

She wants to call him by his first name.

We've had a call since then, which is another story entirely. I'll update you on that soon. But I wonder if he noticed that during the most recent call she didn't once call him "Daddy"? Or address him by any name at all?

As KBug Starts Second Grade

My baby girl is starting second grade tomorrow. It's seriously scary and I am stressing over this year more than any other year. But I think I say that every year. This year carries some new things with it, though. So I thought I would write down some things I want her to know before she begins her academic year.

*Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. You're little, just be yourself. It doesn't matter as much as you already think it does. (Sidenote- why do kids worry about so much at such a young age now!?)
*The bully is gone. You are safe this year. Your teacher knows, your mom knows, Gramma knows and Mr. Boston knows the troubles we've faced in the past. You will be completely safe from all teasing and physical harm this year, I promise.
*You are capable. Don't worry about the hard stuff. You thought last year was hard and you made it through. Just trust me when I say you can do it.
*Math will get easier. I know you hate it, I know you struggle, but it will get better as you get older. Once you've got the basics, you'll be good to go. And you're almost there!
*Don't sweat the silly names people call you. Your name is part of your identity. As long as YOU know who you are, nothing else matters.
*Stay true to yourself. Someone who is as smart and beautiful and sweet as you shouldn't try to change for anyone.
*Everybody has bad days. No one is perfect. If you don't get 100% on your AR test, it's OK! No one will be mad at you and it's not the end of the world.
*You are loved. Always. By so many people both at home and at school. Always remember that you are loved.

Short and sweet, but I think it's important to write it down. And I'm going to read it to her tomorrow before school. It might not set in, but I'm going to try. That's all we can do as parents anyways!

Is A Compromise Possible?

I sent a letter to the Ex Husband the other day. And I decided to send it two ways. It could have been really easy if I had an email address for him. But (1) I'm not sure if he has one, and (2) I know he wouldn't give it to me if he did.

How do I know that he wouldn't give it to me? Well because according to them I am the worst person in the world and I would abuse the privilege of having his email address. I have nothing better to do with my time, right? All I do is sit around and pine for my ex husband and wish that he would come back to me? Ha! Not a chance.

Anyways. So I sent this letter. I sent it through snail mail and I sent it through Facebook. But the Ex Husband doesn't use his Facebook account as far as I know, so I sent it in a message to his GF. I figured why not? As long as he sees it some way or another, I don't care how it gets to him. Communication has always been an issue between us and I didn't want to risk a phone call because that usually ends up with both of us frustrated, raised voices and it's just never good.

Now I think this was a reasonable letter. I think I am being reasonable in my requests and I am hopeful that he will work with me to make this as simple as possible for everyone.

What were my requests? That the Skype calls between him and KBug happen consistently. And that they happen always on the same day of the week, at the same time.

I gave him some things to think about. I asked him to choose the frequency of these calls, whether it be weekly or bi-weekly, and I gave him the opportunity to choose the day of the week.

I don't want to dictate anything. I don't want to control every little thing. But we need to find a way to compromise and find what works best for all of us. I understand that he has a family- I have a family, too. I understand that he and his GF both have work schedules to be considered- I have a work schedule to be considered, as well.

My work schedule is going to be crazy this year. There are certain days of the week that do not work for us, and I told him as much in the letter. I suggested a time that would work best for KBug and I, but I am open to a new time suggestion should he need a change.

Will he be willing to compromise with me and find a solution? I can't say. At this point all I know is that he read the letter and I was told he wanted to think about it for a few days. Honestly, I'm not sure what there is to think about, but I'm willing to let it go and wait.

I know that what I am asking may complicate their life. It will certainly complicate ours, too, because whatever night they choose will ultimately be a night that we cannot make plans. But I am willing to make that sacrifice. Whether or not they are, I can't say. I have to wait to hear from them.

I'm hopeful that he will be understanding of the fact that I need to set a routine for KBug and I this year. She will be in second grade, with more homework and projects, with at least one extra-curricular activity. I am teaching five grade levels of religion this year, as well as teaching middle school faith formation on Sunday evenings. On top of that I am in charge of the cheer team, training for a half marathon and finishing my degree. Chaos is what our lives could be. Chaos is what I am trying to avoid.

The only way that I can see to avoid chaos is to have a specific routine. We need a schedule. We need to know what is going on at any specific moment and what is happening next. Maybe it's not the fun way to live life, but it is the only way I can see for us to make it through this year.

I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Is he willing to compromise and work with me to continue calls with KBug? Or is he perfectly content to give up his communication with her?

Only time will tell.

"Real" Single Mom?

Today is Tuesday. And today being Tuesday, and the end of the day, means I have officially survived seven full days without my Gramma in the house. And that, my wonderful friends, means that I've actually survived running this household on my own for an entire week.

I have been told on numerous occasions that I'm not a "real" single mom because I live with a family member and I don't pay rent. Well, true, I live with my Gramma and I don't have to pay rent to her. But I do pay for all of my own groceries, covering myself, KBug and PJP. I also pay my own car bill and KBug's tuition for school. Neither of those were easy to do this past year while I was only working 5-10 hours per week in order to get further ahead in my studies so I can graduate this fall. But I never missed a payment.

It's The Little Things In Life That Become The Big Things

I've been thinking a lot lately about being a mother and what it means to me. And I decided that I would write about it because, well, that's just what I do. I came to realize that, overall, being a mother to me is taking care to pay attention to the little things. It's no secret that the little things in life all add up to be the big things. And, in my life, the big thing is happiness. All of these little things that KBug and I share have come together to bring us a life full of happiness and I think that is so incredibly important.

Single Mama Troubles [four]:: Being Daddy

Today is Father's Day. And I have had several people wish me a Happy Father's Day. Now, this is endlessly confusing to KBug because, obviously, I'm not her father. I tried to explain it to her, and I think she got it. Sort of...

My Painful Stories [part four]

It's been a long while since I wrote the last section of this series. So I figured, while I had a few minutes, I would pick it up where I left off. You can read parts ONE, TWO and THREE by following the links or locating them in the month of April in my archive. They provide a lot of back story to what I am about to write and to who I am today.

Remember, we've met depressed, cutter, anorexic Christine. We've also said good-bye to her. And My Painful Stories [part three] introduced you to teen mom Christine. But I never finished telling you about my experience as a teen mom. So, here we go.

Look on the Bright Side! And Snap a Photo While You're At It!

So I know that there can be a lot of "downsides" to being a single parent. I've spent some time writing about them in my Single Mama Troubles series which you can read by following these links: one - two - three.  And these "downsides" can make life as a single parent very difficult to navigate at times. In the end, of course, these "downsides" are always worth it because you have a happy, healthy child whom you love more than life itself.

And let me be clear. There are very good things about being a single parent. And one of my favorites is being the one who gets all of the best photo ops!

"I Don't Want To Talk To Daddy Today"

I have had a few posts running through my head over the course of the last few days. And I'm still sitting here debating what to write about. Sometimes I have so much going on in my head that it's hard to really pin point one thing to focus on. But for now I think I will focus on KBug's Skype call with her father last week.

I wrote briefly that KBug wasn't enthusiastic about a call with her father last Wednesday. I had told her earlier in the afternoon that the call was set up and she just told me she didn't want to talk him that day.

Ok, we'll talk about it again later.

This and That

So if you read my So What Wednesday! post from earlier today, you know that I wasn't all that motivated this morning. But I have good news. I found my motivation!

Honestly? There wasn't any one thing that specifically motivated me to start getting things done. It was just that I needed to do it and I knew it. So I hopped up and started getting things done. Yay me!

Sometimes it's really easy at the end of a school term when I'm finished with my classes (Yay, I passed my marketing paper!) to get really lazy for a couple of weeks while I'm waiting for my next term to begin. So I usually slack off way more than I should, but I'm trying really hard to not do that with the next two and a half weeks. I am only 39 units away from graduation. And I could easily get the work done for 12 of those units in the next two and a half weeks. I wouldn't be able to submit my papers or schedule my test until after June 3rd, but I could be ready to do that as soon as I talked to my mentor. And that would put me at only 27 units left before graduation.

Homework This Week [KBug's and Mine]

So after spending the majority of my day working on this marketing paper I am very ready for this marketing paper to just be done and over already. Honestly, it's not that hard. But it's time consuming. And it's annoying. And I'm not even a Marketing student.

I understand why it would be important for me to have knowledge of the concepts of marketing and promotion. But why do I have to write an entire marketing plan? Wouldn't my time be better spent studying for me HUGE Human Resources exam I have to take in just two months time? Well, one would think. But nooooo.... Marketing plan first.

KBug's Night Owl Birthday Sleepover [Pictures]

Ok, let me break it down for you.

• It's been almost a full week since KBug's birthday party and I haven't written a post about it yet.
• I've spent the past several hours working on a Marketing paper.
• KBug will be home from school in just a few short hours.

Basically, I'm going to take this opportunity to write a blog post because, well, it's likely the only opportunity I will get for the next few days. Our lives have gotten so chaotic now that we are headed on towards summer and I love it! But it is leaving little time for things like my own schoolwork which completely puts blogging on the back burner. I'm going to do my best to keep it all up, though, even with extra time outside, yard work, more play dates and what seems like continuous baking for a couple of guys who now have no problems what-so-ever with my love of Pinterest because that's where I am getting all of my recipes.

Updates: Challenges for Me and KBug's Birthday [pictures]

via
this pretty much sums it up... :)
 

So I'm sitting here avoiding folding the three baskets of laundry I've let pile up over the weekend.... And I thought to myself

"Christine, you haven't written anything in a couple of days..."

 

Birthdays Without Daddy: 5 out of 7

Today is KBug's 7th birthday. My little girl is seven years old.

Wow.

 

That's not what I plan to write about this morning, though. Today I want to write about KBug and her dad.

 

This will be the second year in a row that KBug will not be speaking to her father on her birthday.

Growing Up Right Before My Eyes

Tomorrow is KBug's 7th birthday.

Seven.

My baby is seven.

I don't like this growing up, getting older thing she's doing.

Anyways. So she's going to be seven, whether I like it or not. I'm just going to have to get used to it. And by the time I get used to her being seven and a second grader, she'll be turning eight and getting ready for third grade and so on and so forth for the rest of her life.
 

This is the part of being a mother I'm not sure I like.

But, what can I do?

I Did It!

I feel like I can finally breathe again. It's amazing how much stress one person can carry without realizing it. And it's especially amazing when that person is me and I finally figure it out once the stressor is removed.

Those of you who read My Test Anxiety and KBug Do Not Mix last night know that I had a huge exam for my Marketing course today. You also know about my test anxiety, the additional stress from my mentor and how I realized it was affecting KBug.

Well all of that is in the past.

I passed my test!

My Test Anxiety and KBug Do Not Mix

So it's been a very stressful few days. I have spent the majority of my time studying for my Marketing exam. Which is tomorrow.

I've written before about my test anxiety. But it's ten times worse for this particular exam. I think part of it is that it's worth 6 credits instead of the typical 3 credits. And I think another part is that I have to pass this test by May 31st. And another part is that I really want to pass because I want to have time to finish another course before the end of my term.

But it's mostly because my mentor has been freaking me out about it.

A Look Back at KBug's First Year

So I was going through the photos on my Gramma's computer last night and came across a number of them from KBug's first year of life. The computer I had all of those saved to when she was younger crashed and we weren't able to get them off the hard drive to transfer to my new laptop. I thought I had lost them.

How is it possible that I have lived with my Gramma for over 5 years now and not realized she had these pictures?

Pretty ridiculous, if you ask me.

 

But now I have them, and I thought I would give you a look at KBug when she was younger. Not that she isn't still young, because I know she is even if I'm beginning to feel old, but she was just so little! It's hard for me to imagine that my little baby is going to be seven years old in just a matter of days. It's beautiful and baffling all at once.

 

Challenges For Me

So I'm starting a few new things tomorrow, and I wanted to write about them to really get that motivation going.

{Part One}

ADHD. It's Real, People.

When I was 16 years old, I got married.

 

When I was 16 years old, I had a baby.

 

When I was 19 years old, I got divorced.

 

When I was 21 years old, I became the single mother of a diagnosed special needs child.