Tired. All. The. Time.

Life is still ridiculously crazy. I honestly feel like I haven't stopped for weeks or months or years. It's starting to catch up to me in a big way.

I'm exhausted by the end of the day. But it's not exhaustion that causes me to sleep. I'm exhausted some nights to the point that I can't get to sleep at a reasonable hour. Like the other night when I couldn't get to sleep until after the Patriot's game ended, which was after midnight. Seriously!? I'm not even a Patriots fan! But I could not for the life of me fall asleep.

But then there are nights where I lay down at 8 and I'm asleep within ten minutes. It's ridiculous! I can't afford to be asleep that early in the evening! I have chapters to read for school and papers to grade for work and I am currently winging it this week, making up lesson plans as I go because I haven't sat down to write them down. I know what I want to do, I just haven't found two minutes to sit down and put it in my planner to turn in to the principal. Crazy!

This week they are doing IOWA testing at school which means that my class schedule is all out of whack this week. Honestly, this is actually a blessing for me because I don't have classes until the afternoons. I still have to be at work at 9:30, though, so I've got a lot of down time. Except it's not down time. No, no, no, no, no..... This is my catch up time! I literally spent over 3 hours catching up on grading papers and figuring out which students have missing assignments and tracking down why student X is failing and adding in Extra Credit points that 7th and 8th grade earned. It was exhausting in it's own way!

Pat and I are trying to figure out where we stand financially. Tallying up money and then looking at the bills we both have to pay? Not my idea of a fun evening. And it gets really frustrating after a while because you just want the numbers to all magically work. Seriously, I know they work. I just haven't figured out how to make them work because our pay schedules are totally different and we are both trying to save for the wedding and it's just insanity. And, again, exhausting in it's own way.

Oh, and we can't forget my schoolwork. It seems to be never-ending, but in reality, the end is actually in sight! I only have 4 classes left until graduation! The catch? Two of those classes are major, MAJOR exams. One of them is only offered during three windows each year. So that basically means that if I don't pass it when I take it mid-November, I can't take it again until March. Of course that adds to the stress level. And adding to my stress level just makes me what? Yup, you guessed it- tired. All. The. Time.

I will say that Pat and I have started going to the gym. We went three days last week which was seriously awesome. And we worked it out over the weekend so we can start going five days a week, Monday through Friday. And the weird part of it is that I'm NOT as tired after a long hard workout. How backwards is that!? I've just poured sweat and worked out for an hour and now I'm NOT tired?? I know that's how it's supposed to work and that it's a good thing but it's kind of annoying. I want to have that kind of energy at night when I'm looking at the 12 chapters of reading I need to do. Or when I'm staring at the 65 assignments I have to grade. Or when I'm looking at all of the wedding papers spread out across my desk trying to figure out what to check off of the to-do list next. Or when I'm sitting at my computer thinking that I really want to write a blog.

But when it comes down to it?

I'm just too tired.

 

I've spent a lot of time lately contemplating how tired I am and evaluating how much further I can run myself into the ground. I honestly don't remember being this tired ever before in my life. Not when I was a teenager. Not when I was pregnant. Not when I was waking up every three hours with Kaley for the first 8 months of her life. Not when I became a single parent.

 

And I'm sitting here trying to figure out where I can step back from the things I have going on. The reality, though, is that I can't step back from anything. I'm committed to teaching and I'm loving every exhausting second of it. I'm committed to finishing my degree and I am so close to having it in hand that I can't stop now. And there's no way I'm putting wedding planning on hold because I just can't wait to marry the man of my dreams.

 

So I guess I've come to realize that I'm just going to be tired.

 

And hopefully I can keep myself together enough to not get cranky with everyone around me.

 

But maybe I should hope that they love me enough to put up with me when I do get cranky...?