I've been a "single parent" for several years now. Kaley was under 2 years old when her father and I separated, and just a little over three when our divorce finalized. When we first separated, he was overseas. After being gone a few more months and hardly ever calling to talk to Kaley, he came home.
As soon as he was home, we were sitting down to discuss a separation agreement. We made a few adjustments here and there and sent it back to the lawyer to have it revised so we could sign. One of the things we talked about the longest was his visitation schedule with Kaley.
I tried and tried and tried to give him as much time with our daughter as possible. I didn't want to cut him out of her life because he was her father. I didn't know my father and I felt it was important that she know hers. It's why I decided I would stay here instead of move back home to the west coast. I really wanted Kaley to know her dad.
Despite my protests, he wouldn't agree to more visitation than he had asked for. What had he asked for? Every other Saturday from 10am-8pm and Thursday evenings from 5:30pm-8pm. That's it. That's all he wanted. One evening a week and every other Saturday.
I am not kidding when I say that I offered him a day every weekend. And I offered him a full weekend each month (though he would have brought her home each night because my lawyer stated that it isn't advised in the state to have children younger than age 5 sleep at the non-custodial parents home). I did everything I could to give him as much time with her as possible. I tried my best to let her see her father as much as possible. It was important.
He wouldn't agree. So I let it go because there wasn't much else I could do. We signed the papers with the visitation he had requested and life went on. For the most part he was pretty good about his visitation. Aside from being late on a regular basis, he was really good about showing up every time. He always dropped her off 30 minutes to an hour early, but he still saw her. I figured it was as good as it was going to get and I tried not to argue it with him even though it was an inconvenience to me to have to wait for him to pick her up or be home early for him to drop her off.
Fast forward about 8 months. I'm planning a road trip and he's going away for training for the USMC. They didn't completely coincide, but it was pretty close. We agreed that we would communicate as much as possible and let him and Kaley talk on the phone. It worked out well for the first few weeks, and we actually got to the point where we were more like friends than exes who couldn't stand each other. It was pretty awesome.
When we came back home from our trip, we slid back into the same visitation agreement we had before. But then he was told he was being deployed for a second tour overseas. Ok, let's talk about this.
A few weeks before he left, he and his (now) wife broke up. They were fighting all the time, life was getting complicated and it just didn't seem to be working out. When he found out about the deployment, they decided she would move back home where her parents live. Did this affect me? Not a bit.
Except that all of a sudden, with her more or less out of the picture, we were kind to each other again. It was kind of like having my best friend from high school back. We were able to take Kaley out to dinner and have a good time. We could talk on the phone without arguing. We could spend time together and not want to kill each other at the end of it. We cleaned out his entire apartment and put everything in storage without any ill will towards one another.
It was great. For everyone involved. It was kind of perfect.
For the first several weeks of his deployment, he called a lot. At least twice a week. Communication between us was good and we were getting ready to arrange Skype calls for him and Kaley to keep in touch because what three year old wants to talk on a poorly connected phone call? Certainly not mine!
But then he and his girlfriend worked things out. He stopped calling Kaley. He stopped calling period. And promises of Skype calls became non-existent. It's almost like he completely forgot that our daughter even existed. I tried to email him and find a good time to Skype but nothing ever seemed to work out. I woke Kaley up early and signed into Skype hoping he would call her, but GF was more important and the calls never happened. So on we went with life.
He came home after being gone for 7.5 months and we fell back into the old routine. It only lasted for 3.5 weeks, though, because then he moved away. We met up, discussed a new visitation schedule and child support and signed a new agreement.
Since then we have had nothing but problems. He refused to send child support and I'm the worst person in the world because I went to child support enforcement and he's now forced to meet his obligation. He refused to pay for Kaley's plane ticket to go see him that summer, so she wasn't able to go. And when he asked me to drive her up the week before school started and I said no? Well, that didn't go so well. There was always some issue or another.
He did alright calling once a week to talk to Kaley. But she wasn't very good about talking on the phone (she was only three) and I was blamed for it. I was telling her not to talk to him. I was telling her he didn't love her. I was telling her he was never coming back. No. I wasn't doing any of those things. But I got used to being blamed for them anyways.
Later that year, in a session with Kaley's counselor, I mentioned that her father was starting to harass me. He was texting me and calling me continuously. He was leaving nasty messages on my voicemail and my home answering machine. I never knew what I was going to hear, but I knew it wasn't anything Kaley should hear. Not ever. He also called the house phone repeatedly one evening, until after 9:30 at night making it impossible for Kaley to go to sleep.
Her counselor suggested blocking his number from my cell phone because he was using it inappropriately. He also suggested blocking the number from the home phone because it wasn't a cell phone registered in his name. It was in his GF's name and he was using it to harass me. Therefore I had reason to block the number and refuse calls from it. I even went so far as to change my cell phone number.
Maybe this wasn't the best idea, but it was all I could do to get away from the harassment. If he wished to talk to Kaley, all he had to do was send an email and request it or call from another phone. I didn't tell him he couldn't talk to her. I just made it clear that his actions were unacceptable and would not be tolerated. I wanted Kaley to live in a positive environment, with joy and love and an optimistic view of life and the world.
For months he didn't call. Because he wouldn't find another means to call. And I was blamed for it because I put an end to the harassment. I blocked the phone number for good reason, but I'm still the bad guy. Who else's fault could everything be? Surely not his own. Surely he didn't act childishly.
Eventually he got a new cell phone, registered in his name, and calls began again. But more often than not Kaley would say she didn't want to talk. I don't believe in forcing a child to talk to someone they don't want to talk to. It's not going to do anything but cause resentment and unhappiness. So I never made her talk. Maybe I was wrong for that, I don't know.
I did my best to explain to him that she didn't want to talk because she didn't know him anymore. She'd gotten to the point where she couldn't even identify him in pictures. She needed to see him in order to make the relationship real and worth something to her. I suggested Skype calls. He refused for well over a year. Because he didn't want to have to see me.
I was finally able to convince him to do Skype calls this past January. They have happened fairly regularly, and only been completely cancelled once due to a Facebook post stating they didn't actually want to have the call. But for the majority of the year the calls have taken place at least twice a month.
Recently it's come to my attention that her father and stepmother are telling everyone and their brother that I have alienated Kaley from her father. Apparently I have gone out of my way to ensure that they don't have a relationship. I have made it clear to Kaley that she is not to talk to her father, nor is she allowed to love him. I have told her that he doesn't love her and he moved away because he didn't like her.
No, no, no and NO! I have done absolutely NONE of these things. I have supported Kaley in her love for her father. I have encouraged her to talk with him and get to know him. I have sat through phone calls and Skype calls during which he has made open and subtle derogatory comments about me.
In my heart, I know that I have not always done everything the way I should have. I'm not a perfect parent and I have never claimed to be. But I feel like I have done my best with the situation that was handed to me. I have done my best to make this craziness work for everyone. I have tried to find the good in all of the bad. But it's not easy.
I feel like it isn't my job to ensure that there is a relationship between Kaley and her father. That's HIS job. It is MY job to encourage the relationship. But not to force it upon her. Not to make her hate both him and me because I made her talk to him when she didn't want to. I want her to love both of us, and I want her to love his wife and Pat. But she has to decide to love us all on her own terms.
Kaley's growing up and learning at an incredible rate. She's intelligent and not much gets by her. She's paid attention over the years and I've let her come to her own conclusions. Kaley tells me often that she doesn't think her father loves her because he doesn't show her by coming to visit. She tells me that she doesn't feel like he is her daddy because he isn't here to do anything with her. Kaley says she doesn't want to call him daddy anymore because he doesn't do the things a dad should do.
Actions speak louder than words. I think that's the biggest message I want for Kaley's father to understand. It doesn't matter how much you say you love someone, they have to see it. It doesn't matter how many Skype calls we have, without an actual visit, you're not going to have much of a relationship.
I don't want to feel like I've given up, though, because I don't think it's right to give up on people. So maybe I'll just hold out a little bit of hope that maybe someday things can be different. Just a little bit so I'm not completely disappointed. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to say I've witnessed a miracle.
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