"I Don't Want To Talk To Daddy Today"

I have had a few posts running through my head over the course of the last few days. And I'm still sitting here debating what to write about. Sometimes I have so much going on in my head that it's hard to really pin point one thing to focus on. But for now I think I will focus on KBug's Skype call with her father last week.

I wrote briefly that KBug wasn't enthusiastic about a call with her father last Wednesday. I had told her earlier in the afternoon that the call was set up and she just told me she didn't want to talk him that day.

Ok, we'll talk about it again later.

 

So, a few hours later I asked her what she planned to talk to her daddy about during the call. And she told me she was going to tell him that she didn't want to talk. Well, at least she's consistent.

 

Honestly, I wasn't sure what to make of it. She's starting to become less excited to talk to him. Maybe the novelty of having a Skype call with daddy is wearing off? It's become sort of a regular thing and she's gotten used to it I suppose. And, if you think about it, a Skype call is only going to hold her interest for so long.

 

She's young. KBug is only seven. And at seven years old it is tricky to maintain a relationship with someone who only exists through a computer screen. I will say that it is better than trying to build a relationship only through phone calls because at least she has some sense that he actually exists somewhere.

 

But, at the same time, it's not going to be enough for her.

She's going to want more eventually.

 

So we started the call on Wednesday night and KBug told her daddy that she didn't want to talk to him that night. He asked why and if she was mad at him. She said no, she just didn't feel like talking.

 

He said ok. But then he proceeded to invite her to the wedding this summer.

 

He did not, however, offer to help pay for her to come to the wedding. As usual, he expects me to cover the entire cost.

 

Another thing. He is fully aware of the fact that I will not let KBug attend alone. And of course I don't want to be in attendance for that event, so there's no chance that KBug will be able to go.

 

He knows this.

They purposely decided to extend an invitation because I would then be the one who had to play bad guy and tell her that she couldn't attend.

 

Because he knows these things (as well as the fact that I have important tests coming up at the end of the summer) he tried to pass off the fact that his parents will be there. I'm assuming he was trying to use that as an incentive to attend for KBug, but it failed. Miserably.

 

KBug hasn't seen her father in over three years now. This is a well known fact. But it's been nearly four since she last saw his parents. Do you really think that's going to work for me? No. She doesn't know them. She doesn't even remember them. Seriously, he said that Granddad and Pumpkin (that's what KBug called her when she was little because that was the first word his mother taught her and that was how she gave people their identities) would be there as though that would be a comfort to me.

 

Again, I am not going to send my daughter off to spend a weekend, or a day, or even a couple of hours with complete strangers. Because that's what these people are to her. Complete strangers. It has been years since she has seen any of them and I am not comfortable with her being left alone with them for any period of time.

 

Back to the conversation.

 

So he mentions that they will be there and KBug just looks at him through the computer screen. Then she says "Granddad and Pumpkin? I have a Granddad?" He tried to explain that they were his parents but she just kind of looked at me. So I told her that she hasn't seen them since she was three. At that point she just looked at her father and said "I don't remember them at all. I was three."

 

Like I said, it failed. Miserably.

 

The call ended soon after that because KBug really wasn't interested. But we had a long talk after the call. She crawled into my lap and we talked about the wedding and how I have big tests to take the week after the wedding so we probably can't go. I also explained that Mommy doesn't have the money to go to the wedding  because I already have another trip planned for us this summer and I need my savings to help make it through until the school year begins again and I have a job at the school, or the school year begins again and I find another job somewhere (because I will have my degree!). She understood it all and accepted it easily.

 

But then we got into a conversation about her last name. It started off with her saying she wanted her father to change his last name because she didn't want it to be the same as hers. I told her that he wasn't going to change his last name because it was given to him by his daddy and it is part of who he is. I also reminded her that it is the same last name that his other two children have and that his GF will have when they get married.

 

At that point KBug decided she wanted to change her last name. She said that she doesn't think Daddy loves her. She said that she doesn't feel like she's part of her Daddy's family. She said she doesn't want to be part of his family because she is a part of my family and we love her more.

 

This is a lot coming from a seven year old.

 

Of course I assured her that her father does in fact love her (even if he hardly shows it) and that he does want her to be a part of his family (even though his family has basically disowned her because I chose to leave him). She didn't really believe it, though. And I think she shouldn't have to believe me.

 

Honestly? This is something he should address with her. This is a situation that he created and it is his responsibility to make her feel loved and wanted by him. I can't do any more than I already am. I have spent the past several years defending him to her and standing up for him. But I can't do that anymore.

 

It's his turn, I think. And I should have left it up to him a long time ago. But I have been waiting for him to step up to the plate and in the process, I have been enabling him to take the easy way out. He has had to do so little because I have done so much for him. But I'm through.

 

I am not going to defend him anymore. I will tell her that she loves him, but I will not tell her that he might come for a visit. I will not tell her that she might be able to go see him. Because the reality of it all is that it's not going to happen. There's no "might" or "maybe" when it comes to seeing her father.

 

He has made his decision. He refuses to come down here to visit her. And he refuses to help cover the costs for her to visit him up there as he is required to per our divorce judgment. This is not my situation to fix.

 

I will continue to make my best efforts to keep the calls between KBug and her father as regular as possible. I will continue to keep up my end of the bargain by making her available, to the best of my ability, when he is available.

 

But, in the end, it's really up to him now.

 

via

Maybe someday KBug won't have to ask these questions anymore....