Single Mama Troubles [two]:: "Me" Time

So I wrote a while back about one of the things I have had the most trouble with being a single parent. I wrote about the difficulty of making friends. You can read about it here.

Today I want to write about another area I struggle with as a single parent, and I know many other single parents struggle with, too. Today I want to write about having "me" time.

 

I have been a single parent for over five years now. I have raised my daughter, essentially, on my own. You could say that I had help from her father for the ten months he was here, but really? Does three hours every Thursday evening and ten hours every other Saturday really count as help? No, I don't think so. Maybe it was nice to have a little bit of time to run errands or catch up on schoolwork, but at the end of it I would be delivered a cranky KBug who was absolutely exhausted but completely wired because her father thought it was funny to get her all sugared up before sending her home to me.

 

Yeah, real helpful.

 

Anyways. Even with that time, though, there was always something to be done. It was very rare for me to take that time to just sit down and relax. Watching TV? Ha! Yeah right! Reading a book? Not a happening thing.

 

There was laundry to be done, toys to put away, dishes to be washed, homework to be completed, studying to do. There was no time for me. There was no time to enjoy some of the things I absolutely love. That time just didn't exist.

 

I lived that constant pressure, seemingly never ending, always moving lifestyle for a few years before I realized just how stressed out I was. And it wasn't just that I was stressed, it was that I was releasing my stress in unhealthy and unproductive ways. I was turning away from my studies, snapping at KBug and GMa, and diving into what could have been a very bad depression. I don't even want to think about what I would be like now if I hadn't caught myself and realized what was happening.

 

When I turned 21, things changed a little bit. I was able to go out and enjoy myself for a few hours at a time with a friend because there was suddenly more options open to me. We could go dancing, have a drink or two and just relax. But...

 

I felt guilty for leaving KBug.

 

There was a period of time in 2011 where I was trying to experience life in some of the ways a "normal" 21 year old would have. I wasn't regretting having KBug or wishing my life was different at all. I just felt like I should be able to say that I had my 21-year-old life experiences when I was 21 so that down the road, when I'm 40, I don't feel the need to try and make up for them. I don't want to be that person.

 

I know there are a few people out there who say I went out every night. Well, no. I didn't. I went out one night a week, either Friday or Saturday. I didn't go out and stay out on a night when KBug had school the next day. She needed me at home, so I was always at home to get up with her the next morning. And even if I stayed out on a Friday night, I made sure I was home before she woke up, or shortly after if she woke up earlier than usual. I wanted to be there for her in the mornings.

 

As time passed, I started going out less and less. It just wasn't important anymore. I didn't need to go out. So I just stopped going out. I was bored with it and I had more important things at home. I had KBug and I wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

 

Slowly I started creeping back into the stressed out life of a single mom who never slows down or takes a break. But I was saved just in time, by a wonderful woman, Mrs. L. Mrs. L worked at the school with me and we began to build up the youth music program. I was already involved with the youth choir at the church, so being able to bring my experience and what I had already started into the school was amazing. I loved every second of it. And I especially love Mrs. L for introducing me to the local community chorus. How it is possible that I had lived here for six years and not known about this group of singers is unknown, but it saved me.

 

I was able to sing. I was able to have some time to myself. I was able to take the time to enjoy something I have always loved and to experience it with others who are equally passionate about singing. And it challenged me. Choral music is always good for those who are looking for a challenge.

 

So now it's been a year and a half that I have been a member of this chorus. And it is basically the only "me" time I really have. I still feel guilty about it. I still feel like I shouldn't be away from home nearly every Tuesday night during the school year, even if it is only a couple of hours.

 

But then I take a step back and a deep breath. I remind myself that it is good for me to have some time to do something I enjoy. I remind myself that I don't want to go insane because I have nothing more in my life than schoolwork and housework and actual work. I remind myself that even though I love being a parent, and I love KBug more than I could possibly ever put into words, I have to take care of myself. I am going to have to live with me long after KBug grows up, moves out and begins her own life. So I have to keep myself healthy. And that means mentally and emotionally, as well as physically.

 

So even though it's a struggle and I really hate doing it sometimes, I'm glad I do. And I'm glad that when I don't want to, GMa forces me to. She's told me I am not allowed to leave the community chorus unless we move away because it's such a good outlet for me and it keeps me from being unbearable to live with. And she's told me that if we ever move, she's going to find me another chorus to be a part of so I can keep using the gift that God has given me.

 

And to all those single parents out there who, like me, feel guilty for leaving their child, remember that it is important to take care of yourself just as much as you take care of your children. And I'm not saying you have to hire a baby sitter and go out for an entire night. Just put the kids to bed thirty minutes earlier and read a book. Ask your neighbor if they'll watch your children for twenty minutes while you go for a walk or a jog. Just do something. Even if you only get ten minutes...

 

It makes a difference.