Single Mama Troubles [four]:: Being Daddy

Today is Father's Day. And I have had several people wish me a Happy Father's Day. Now, this is endlessly confusing to KBug because, obviously, I'm not her father. I tried to explain it to her, and I think she got it. Sort of...

Now, there are some children out there who, even though their parents aren't together, spend equal time with both parents. It may not always be easy on the child or the parents, but they make it work. And the child gets to see them both and everyone is involved in their life.

Unfortunately, KBug has not really had both of her parents in her life since she before she was two years old. At 22 months old, her father went on deployment. A month and a half later he and I split up. Then he came home when she was 28 months old and opted to see her every Thursday from 5-8 and every other Saturday from 10-8. So basically he hardly ever saw her, but he was very content with the situation.

11 months after he returned home from his first deployment, he was sent on his second deployment. Half a dozen phone calls from August to December is all he could manage for KBug. He didn't return until the end of February. And when he did return, he saw her on five occasions before he moved away.

That was over 3 years ago now.

 

Having given you the history of KBug's time with her father, you can tell that there really isn't much of one. So I have been left to be both mother and father to my little girl since she was not quite two. It doesn't bother me, but sometimes it can get to be a bit much.

 

In most two-parent families, parenting is split between both parents. And, I like to think it's usually split pretty evenly. And you can usually see it as sort of a bad cop vs. good cop scenario. You know? Like when you're watching an episode of Law and Order or NCIS and you have one cop being all nice and sympathetic, and the other cop being the heavy hand, yelling and going berserk. It's kind of like that.

 

Anyone want to take a guess at who plays bad cop most of the time??

 

Well, in a single parent family, that doesn't exist. There's only one parent and they have to take on everything. There's no splitting. There's no saying "Wait until your father gets home!" or "Go ask your mother." That just doesn't exist.

 

So, basically, a single parent is both mother and father to their child. And let me tell you, it can get to be completely overwhelming and frustrating sometimes. Honestly? I think I'm getting gray hairs and I'm only 23!

 

Most of the time, KBug is a really good kid. She's respectful, she's honest (sometimes to a fault), she's easy-going. Until she's not. And that's how most children are. But when KBug gets into one of her moods, like the I-don't-want-to-do-anything-my-mother-says-just-because-the-sky-was-a-different-shade-of-blue-today moods, it's game on. That's when the bad cop comes out. And I really don't like being the bad cop.

 

Why don't I like being the bad cop? Well, because I like to be nice and have fun and enjoy my time with KBug. I don't like having to set consequences and have her stomp off to her room angry at me. I find no joy in it. Do I do it? Yes, because I know it's necessary to keep her on track to being a happy, successful, respectful member of society when she's older. But I don't have to like it. And I don't intend to.

 

There are days, sure, when I've wished there was someone else around to be the heavy hand with KBug. It would be kind of nice to be able to let someone else be the bad cop for a change. That way I could be the one to console her and have a calm, rational conversation with her later. But, as it is, I get to do both.

 

Most of the time I like to think I do a pretty good job at keeping my cool. I have my moments, I'm not the most patient individual and sometimes I have a pretty quick temper, but I'm usually pretty good about dealing with the minor situations we have sometimes. Keeping my temper even is important, I know, and I try my best.

 

But sometimes KBug just really knows how to push my buttons. It's her job to push me and test me, and I understand that. But for being only seven years old, she sure does know how to get right under my skin sometimes. And she's pretty darned good at it.

 

The reality of my situation as a single parent is that I'm always going to be both mother and father. Sure, maybe someday I'll get married. And my future husband and I will discuss how we would like to continue raising her, especially if we decide to have children of our own. We will need KBug to be a positive role model and we will need to make sure that she and any siblings are raised in the same manner. It's only fair.

 

I enjoy being KBug's mama. And I enjoy being a single mama most days. But, let's face it, sometimes it's hard to be both mother and father, good cop and bad cop, and all the other things parents have to be. It's an exciting life. It's a hard life. It's an overwhelming life. But it's also a very blessed and rewarding life.

 

And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

Oh, and those gray hairs I mentioned?

Mr. Boston actually found one a few weeks ago.....