Time to Grow Up

Well, KBug had another call with DD this past week. And she was pretty miserable about it.

I knew going into the call that she didn't really want to talk to him and her enthusiasm level didn't increase any when she got on the computer. I had kind of hoped that it would so that they could have a good conversation, but it didn't happen. And I can tell you why.

DD has this GF. And said GF likes to be around for all of the calls that DD has with KBug.

Personally, I think it's pretty ridiculous. You really can't leave DD alone for ten minutes so he can have a good conversation with his first-born child? I honestly didn't realize that was such a difficult task.

But anyways. Because of GF's insistence on being around and noticeable on camera (not necessarily full view, but you can tell she's sitting right there to the side), KBug is uncomfortable talking to DD.

KBug doesn't like GF. KBug doesn't want to talk to GF. KBug is uncomfortable having GF around while she is trying to talk to DD. KBug won't talk to DD with GF sitting right there.

So I ended the call after 15 minutes because 1) KBug hadn't slept well the night before and needed to go to bed early, 2) KBug wasn't talking to DD hardly at all, and 3) I have decided that shortening the calls would be more beneficial because it might get KBug to be more focused on conversing with DD with a time limit. [[Of course DD isn't thrilled about this and wants me to let him know the next time I am going to put her to bed early so he can call earlier. But regardless of when he calls, there will be a 10 or 15 minute limit on the call. She doesn't need to be kept up ridiculously late just to stare at a computer screen and not have a good conversation.]]

After the call I mentioned to KBug that she hadn't really talked to DD much that night and asked why she didn't want to talk to him. And she shrugged and said she didn't know. So I asked her if she still liked talking to DD and she said she didn't know. Which led me to ask if something had bothered her during the call. And then it all came tumbling out of her mouth.

KBug doesn't like GF being around during the calls. She doesn't like GF being in the camera at all when she's trying to talk to DD. KBug doesn't like being able to hear GF laugh or talk during a call. KBug just wants to talk to DD by himself.

So we decided to give them a call back. KBug wanted to tell them all of that.

Well, we call back and KBug clams up. Not entirely surprising at all. She's only 6. So she asks me if I will tell DD that she doesn't want the GF being around during the calls.

DD thinks this isn't what KBug wants and starts in with his little fit.

And KBug gets a huge speech about how DD and GF are together and have been for a long time and GF loves KBug and is available to talk to anytime. And then he tells my 6-year-old that it's time for her to "grow up" and "deal with it" because it's GF's house, too, and KBug can't tell GF where she can't be in her own house.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, but no. KBug is 6 years old for crying out loud! She does NOT have to grow up and deal with it in this situation. Here are the reasons why:

1) DD basically abandoned KBug. He moved away three years ago, after a 7.5 month deployment and hasn't been back to see her since.
2) KBug is only 6. There is only so much growing up and dealing with it  a six year old can do when it comes to a relationship with their parents.
3) KBug and DD have a very limited relationship at this point, and removing GF from the calls would only benefit the relationship between KBug and DD because KBug would be more comfortable.
and
4) KBug feels like DD left her for his "new family" so she blames his "new family" for taking him away.

So after this call, KBug just starts sobbing. She tells me about how she doesn't like this new daddy because he's mean. This new daddy doesn't love her and doesn't take care of her. This new daddy never comes to visit and she wants him to come be here in North Caroline. This new daddy doesn't want her because he has two new kids to take care of and spend time with.

And she tells me again that she doesn't like GF because she's making daddy mean. She tells me that she doesn't want GF in the calls and she doesn't want to talk to GF.

KBug tells me that she wants her nice daddy back. She wants the daddy who loves her.

I think it says a lot about KBug that she was able to tell me all of this. It tells me that she is strong and understands more of her feelings than I knew she did. It tells me that she knows what she wants and that she knows how she feels when she isn't able to have it. It tells me that she's growing up in so many ways.

And I think it says a lot about DD and GF that they aren't willing to show KBug enough respect to have GF leave the room for 10-15 minutes. There's no reason for her to be there. The man is just talking with his daughter. And there is nothing wrong with KBug wanting some time to talk to just her daddy.

Does she want me there as a comfort? Yes, she does. Because I'm her Mommy and I have been here all of her life.

Now, you can't honestly tell me that GF is there as a comfort to DD. He is 26 years old and doesn't need someone there to hold his hand if he is uncomfortable. Seriously. DD really just needs to learn to stand up to GF and hold his ground. This should be about what will benefit the relationship between DD and KBug. Not what makes life at home easier for DD.

Show some respect for your daughter.

This isn't the time for her to be growing up.

It's the time for you to start growing up.

So, I'm going to let DD and GF know that it's decision making time. If DD wants to continue calls with KBug, GF will not be present. If she is present at any point, the call will be immediately ended. And it will be this way until KBug decides that she is ok with GF being there.

KBug is entitled to her feelings, especially in this situation.

It is their choice as to whether they will respect her feelings or not.