What's Your Super Power?

So everyone knows I'm a single mother. It's kind of evident from the name of this blog, I would think. And I want to talk about being a single mother.

I have been a single mother since early 2008 when the Ex-Husband and I split up. There are a number of reasons behind our split, and I feel it was the absolute best decision I could have ever made for KBug and I. She didn't need to grow up in a home where her parents fought all the time and hardly ever agreed on anything. She didn't need to grow up in a home where her father wasn't dedicated to being the best Daddy he could be because he was more interested in the beer bottle in his hand. She didn't need to grow up in a home where she was surrounded by negativity and tension.

Yep, ending that relationship was the best thing for everyone involved. And I don't regret it at all.

So, in early 2008, I became a single mother. And it has it's ups and downs.

judgment

stress

frustration

love

successes

failures

encouragement

support

 

People in this world judge you for your clothes, hair, car, job, body, accomplishments, failures, anything they can find about you that is even slightly different from them. Now, let's be honest. I think everyone judges someone else at one point or another. It's how our society works. It unfortunate, but that's what it is. The world we live in doesn't want to be happy with what it has. It always wants something more. And often times people try to make themselves seem better than they actually are by putting down other people. It's unfortunate, but it's how we live. With any luck, people will figure out that this is no way to live and try to fix it.

 

Among the people who judge others, there is a group who spends their time judging single parents. There are married mothers who think that single mothers should have just gotten married because they made the choice to have the baby with this person and should deal with it. There are married mothers who think that divorced mothers should have just stayed in an unhappy marriage so their child(ren) could have both of their parents. There are women without children who think that single mothers are not good for their children because they have to work twice as hard to provide and therefore don't spend enough time with their children. There are women without children who think that they would do it differently and will never end up a single parent because they will make good decisions and only get married once.

 

Well, sometimes getting married is a really bad idea. Maybe the pregnancy is the result of a rape? Maybe the pregnancy is the result of a one-night-stand? Maybe the pregnancy was unplanned?

 

Staying in an unhappy marriage is a really bad idea. It's unhealthy for everyone involved because of the constant tension in the home. It is unhealthy for children to live in a home where their parents are constantly arguing. And a child who lives in that sort of environment will understand as they get older that they are the only reason their parents are together, which could lead to a huge amount of guilt, depression, anxiety and, possibly, violence or suicide.

 

Sometimes being a single mother is your only option, even if you do have to work a second job to make ends meet. Maybe it isn't ideal and you don't get to spend as much time with your child(ren) as you would like, but you are still with them whenever you can be.

 

And sometimes you think you will do it differently, but it ends up happening anyways.

 

 

I have been judged for so many things. But I have never felt as much judgment as I have since becoming a single mother. And all I can think about is how these people who are judging me don't even know me. They don't know the situation I was in. They don't know how awful my relationship was. They don't know that this was the best thing I could have done for KBug and I. They don't know that this life is so much happier than the life we were living. And that's frustrating.

 

(Can you tell I really don't like judgmental people??)

 

Stress and frustration kind of go hand in hand. When you're frustrated, you feel more stress. When you're stressed, you get frustrated more easily. It's a wicked circle that seems to never end because there is always something more to do. Maybe this something more is laundry, maybe it's a big test, maybe it's taking care of a sick child, but no matter what it is, it is always something more.

 

As a single parent, there's never a break. There is always something to do next. Life never stops for a single parent. It doesn't stop when you're tired. It doesn't stop when you're hungry. It doesn't stop when you're sick. It doesn't stop when you feel like you've reached the end of your rope. It doesn't stop. Life keeps barreling forward, like a train running full-steam ahead on a railroad track, and you just have to keep moving forward so you don't get slammed to the ground.

 

So this brings a lot of stress and frustration to your life and it is the job of a single parent to find the best way to manage all of that. How do I manage? I exercise and I write (hence, this blog). Even if I only have time to run through a quick, 4-minute tabata routine, it helps. Anything helps. And it gives me more energy. Exercise makes me feel more empowered and it makes me feel really good about myself. So it's a win-win situation because I feel better, which reduces the stress, which reduces the frustration, which keeps the tension levels in the house to a minimum. Works for everyone!

 

I still wouldn't mind if stress and I could break up, though...

 

Love. Love is amazing. To feel it in yourself, to receive it from someone else, to experience it. Nothing compares to love. And I am blessed, as a parent, to always feel loved. But I am further blessed as a single parent because I get to feel the love that children of two-parent homes would dedicate to their other parent.

 

KBug only has one parent. KBug only has me. And because I am all she has, she is able to give me more love than I could have ever imagined. I love when she wants to spend time with me, even if we're just watching a movie. I love when she cuddles up to me when we're reading a book. I love when she makes silly faces at me when I'm the only one looking like it's our own personal joke. I love when I'm putting her to bed and she recites the "I Am Your Parent" poem with me. I love when she tells me seventeen times in an hour that she loves me and I'm the best Mommy ever. I love all of it.

 

Does it get hard sometimes knowing that I'm taking up more space in her heart than her dad is? Yes, it gets very hard for me. Because I want her to know her dad and I want her to love him. I want her to have a relationship with her dad and be able to trust him and open her heart to him. I want her to be able to love us both because I think that is what is ultimately the best for her.

 

But sometimes I really love having all of her love to myself.

 

 

Success and failure.... There are a lot of ways to be successful. And there are a lot of ways to be a failure. And as a single parent, you see a lot of both. As a single mother, you have to do everything. Absolutely everything.

 

 

Everyone knows that when you are expected to do a lot, it's easy to get overwhelmed. And some people thrive under pressure, but some people fall apart. And still for others it's a 50/50 chance of succeeding or failing. And that's a lot of single parenting right there. You do what you think is best in the situation you're in, and you either succeed or you fail. And that's ok. Because we can't succeed all the time. And being successful isn't easy. And being successful takes a lot of wrong turns and twists and sometimes you dance around in circles for a while.

 

 

What's important to remember, though, is that even if you fail today, you can always succeed tomorrow. Never give up. Keep moving forward. Success doesn't come easily, so just have faith and do the best you can!

 

Encouragement and support are so important for single parents. It can be the difference between success and failure. It can be the difference between a happy life and a depressing life. It can be the difference between being strong and being overwhelmed.

 

I have an amazing support system. My family and friends believe in me endlessly and have always supported my decision to become a single parent. They may not always agree with the decisions I make, but they do respect that I am only doing what is best for my daughter and they know that it can only end one of two ways. Either I can prove that my decision was the right one or they get to say "I told you so". (They prefer the first option!)

I also have amazing support and encouragement through my faith. My belief in God has helped me through so many of my struggles as a single parent. I have days that bring me down completely, we all do. But I am blessed enough to know that when life knocks me to my knees, I am in the perfect position to pray. And I do. All the time. It is so important to me that prayer be a part of our daily lives because prayer has really seen me through a lot.

 

 

I don't know where I would be without my family, friends and God. The strength they give me, the respect they show me, the love they give me and the never-ending faith in me is more than any girl could ever ask for.

 

Being a single parent is an amazing experience. And it really puts you to the test. I have been pushed to limits I didn't ever plan to reach in terms of mental strength and abilities. I have overcome so many obstacles and made it through a number of struggles, both internal and external. And it is completely worth it.

 

I love KBug to the moon and back, and I couldn't imagine a life without her in it. And I am so thankful that I realized early on how much better our lives would be if I were a single mother to her. I am in a better place, so she is in a better place. I am under less stress, so she is feeling less stress. I am happier, so she is happier.

 

And KBug truly deserves all the happiness in the world.