Always Learning, Always Growing

Well, yesterday and today were emotional days for me. Not emotional in the normal sense, though. A typical emotional day involves some sort of anger, sadness, despair, desperation, moodiness, etc.

Well, my emotional day was not that.

I spent the greater part of the last two days cleaning out my storage unit. And I understand completely that this would not be any sort of significance to most people, but it is to me.

 

I have maintained a storage unit since January of 2008, just before the Ex Husband deployed. I have kept a unit in the same building, moving only once to a smaller unit when he and I divided our things.

 

That was over 4 years ago....

 

It just didn't seem necessary at any point. And I didn't have the time to go through everything. And I didn't really want to go through everything because I thought it might be painful to get rid of anything.

 

And I'm a total packrat and have a tendency to keep just about everything.

No, in all seriousness, I recently found a ticket stub from a movie date the Ex Husband and I went on in 2007...

 

So I have been paying just under $90 a month for this storage unit for the past 4 years. And it was actually really useful because it kept all of our Christmas decorations, Halloween decorations, fall decor, etc. But we also have an attic and a two-car garage.

 

And GMa decided that it was time for me to just get over it and go through it all and move out of the unit. We are capable human beings, she said. We can reorganize the garage and bring it to the house, she said. We can clean out the attic and use it for storage, she said.

 

And, well, she was right.

 

As of 5:20pm tonight, my storage unit is empty. All of it. Everything is out. It's totally clean. Turned in my key card and everything. Account is being closed out tomorrow and the check for the refunded money from this month's payment will be cut Friday morning.

 

 

5 years and 3 months was long enough.

But the woman who works there said she's going to miss me. She's sweet as can be.

 

I have officially gone through everything. And donated or thrown away everything from my marriage to the Ex Husband. Well, almost everything.

 

I kept all of my good glassware and bake ware.

I decided that would be ok.

 

And it feels good. It was emotional, though, because it was like this huge burden being lifted. And that was absolutely amazing to feel. It's like I was finally able to let go of all the rest of it that I've been holding on to. The reminders of my marriage are gone. It's done and over and there is nothing to remind me of all of the pain and heartache I experienced throughout the time I was married.

 

This was a really good thing.

 

In other news, I spoke with the Ex Husband's GF today. I honestly wasn't expecting to have to speak with her because I had just received a text from his number and I figured that calling back (I was driving) right away would mean he would answer the phone. Guess I was wrong because it was definitely her.

 

But it wasn't a bad thing. I didn't mind it at all, to be completely honest, because it was just going to be a really straight forward call anyways. So it was whatever. Anyways.

 

He had asked yesterday if he could call KBug tonight. And KBug had said she didn't want to talk tonight but I told him I would ask her again today and let him know. So he texted me to ask if he would be able to call.

 

Well, after moving everything out of storage, re-organizing the garage and basically working myself into the ground, I was ready to just come home and collapse. And KBug spent most of the day playing in the backyard and then went a friends house, so I knew she would be exhausted and not up for a call. So I called to find out if we could have it on another day.

 

I asked about Friday because he had given me that date as a good one for them just last week and it would work well for us. But we can't talk that night because the GF has to work. (You can read here to find out why GF having to work doesn't make sense as a reason why KBug and her Daddy can't talk...)

 

Anyways, so I asked about Sunday as a possibility, and GF said it should work but she had to talk to the Ex Husband about it. Not a problem, just let me know.

 

What amazed me though was the fact that I could hear the hatred in her voice. The complete and utter disdain was so apparent and I just don't understand it at all. My only reason for calling was to set up a Skype date for KBug and her Daddy. Why can't you be happy that I'm calling and trying to build their relationship? I just don't get it.

 

Seriously, I'm starting to think she's allergic to happiness. Weird.

 

I did get a text back from the Ex Husband later saying that Sunday is fine, so that's awesome. I'm glad KBug will get to talk to him again!

 

And about that...

 

I was talking to PJP earlier about all of this and I really felt like I wanted to write about it. So here it goes.

 

I really want the Ex Husband to be a part of KBug's life. That is so incredibly important to me. It's why we do the Skype calls and it's why I am more and more willing to compromise with he and the GF on times and days. Is it more convenient for us to have calls on Thursdays? Absolutely. But if the Ex Husband isn't allowed to talk on Thursday because GF has to work and can't monitor the call, we can find another day and work around it. Sometimes it isn't easy, but we manage.

 

And while they will tell the world exactly the opposite, I do want KBug to know GF and their children together.

 

But I want KBug to know them on her own terms.

 

That's where we seem to run into issues with the Ex Husband and GF. They want KBug to build relationship with all of them right off the bat. But KBug isn't ready for that.

 

Let's break it down. KBug hasn't seen the Ex Husband, as in actually been able to reach out and touch him, in over 3 years. That's a long time in the life of a child. Especially a child who hasn't yet seen their seventh birthday (which is coming up here in three and a half weeks...). Not seeing someone for that long is going to put a kink in the relationship, even when that person is a parent.

 

I haven't been perfect since he's been gone. I've made decisions that kept them from talking on a regular basis.

But I made those decisions to protect KBug and keep her happy. KBug went through a long period of time where she didn't want to talk to her Daddy because he left her and told her he wasn't ever coming back. KBug went through a period of time where she didn't want to talk to her Daddy because he refuses to come visit her. It's all completely understandable.

 

And I don't regret the decisions I made based on the fact that she didn't want to and wouldn't talk to him. Had I forced her to talk to him, she would have resented the both of us. KBug would have been uncomfortable and angry and that wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. It would have ruined her relationships with both of her parents.

 

And that would not be good for anyone involved.

 

KBug wants to know her Daddy. And I am all for it. What I need is for he and his GF to understand that she needs to develop a relationship with him before she will want to develop a relationship with GF or their children.

 

As time goes by, and they continue to talk on Skype, she will get to know him. And once she knows more about him, she will start to wonder about his home life. And when she reaches that point and starts asking those questions... That is when GF should start being reintroduced to the conversations. And when she's comfortable with GF, we can start having Boy and Girl around.

 

But until she is ready- until she begins asking those questions and wanting to know- forcing a relationship isn't going to be good for her. It will only make her resist building the relationship at all.

 

I'm hopeful that they will start understanding this at some point. I am not standing in the way of KBug building a relationship with her Daddy, or his GF, or their children. I understand that it can only be good for KBug to have more people love her.

 

I guess I've grown up a bit more.

 

Does this mean that I am willing to send KBug to visit them by herself? No. Because she isn't ready for that. Does this mean that I am ok with her attending their wedding this summer by herself? No. Because I am not invited (and wouldn't want to attend) and have no idea who would be looking out for her. It obviously wouldn't be them- they'll be busy getting married. And I am not the type of parent who would trust just anyone with my daughter- especially when neither of us know these people at all.

 

But I am trying. And I am open to her building relationships with his entire family. I just want to see it happen on KBug's terms so that she doesn't resent any of us as she gets older.

 

 

KBug will want it eventually.

It's only a matter of time.

And the ability and willingness to be patient.