Single Mama Moment

KBug has been having a lot of trouble going to bed at night for the past several weeks. She's big on the "I don't want to go to bed", but lately it's not just a matter of whether she wants to or not. It's like she can't calm herself enough to lay down and go to sleep. Her brain just isn't shutting off and letting her rest.

So she's been up and down most nights, or sleeping in my bed. She's been having more nightmares and talking in her sleep more often than usual. And her sleep patterns are completely off.


I just wish I knew what was weighing on her mind, or on her heart. I'm concerned about her and I'm not sure what I can do to help her.

Since we've been on Spring Break, she's been going to bed a little bit later than normal. Typically she's in bed at 7:30pm. But this week she's been up until 8:30 or so. Tonight was no different. 8:30pm: vitamins, prayers, poem and, of course, her favorite bedtime music playing on the iPod. Lights out.

"Mommy, can I have a crack in my door?"

"Mommy, will you leave the hall light on?"

30 minutes later...

"Mommy, my music isn't playing right."

"Mommy, I can't sleep without my music singing."

And then...

"Mommy, I miss my daddy"

 

I've written previously about her -relationship with her daddy- (well, the lack of a relationship). It's not the greatest. It has been over three years since they've seen each other and we just started having Skype calls with him in January (you can read about the first calls -here- and a more recent call -here-). And that's a hard way for a child to have a relationship, but I am trying to help her build one with him.

 

And tonight was the first time she said she wanted to call him. She wanted to call him right then, in that moment. It was surprising because the past couple of weeks she hasn't wanted to talk to him.

 

Unfortunately I had to explain to her that it was late and Daddy wasn't available right now. And I had to explain that his GF was at work and he was at home taking care of their children so he couldn't talk. We talked about how he has to take care of GF and their children, the dog and cat(s?), and Alice the Camel (a friendly camel he met during a  tour in Iraq who is currently "visiting" him).

 

KBug understands all of this, but she still wants to talk to him. And no amount of telling her we had a call scheduled for Sunday was going to cut it this time. So I had to promise that I would send a message asking if we could possibly do a call tomorrow night, maybe a bit later if he needs more time to put their children to bed. I don't mind. But it's too late to text, and he doesn't have Facebook. Hmmmm, I'll figure something out.

 

Anyways, it was definitely a single mama moment, though. Holding my beautiful little girl in my lap, rocking her as she cries for her daddy, while I tell her that she can't talk to him right now.

 

It's no different from any other time I've done it.

But it feels different this time.

 

I think that after my -realizations- yesterday it is all going to feel different. I've been saying for a long time that I wanted KBug to know her father, but I'm starting to think that I was just saying it to mollify people. I don't think I actually meant it when I said it.

 

Until now.

 

I know now that I really do want KBug to know him. I know how important that will be in her life and I realize that it is what is best for her. And I am very thankful for that realization because it will only make my relationship with her better. It will only make us stronger, and having me completely on board will help KBug to form a better relationship with her daddy in the long run.

 

This is going to be good for us- I can feel it. And we could always use a little more good in our lives.

 

But these single mama moments really hurt. Not because I don't enjoy being a single mama, but because I don't enjoy disappointing my KBug. Telling her that her daddy isn't going to come visit never gets any easier. Telling her that her daddy isn't coming back never gets any easier. Telling her that we can't visit because I can't afford it never gets any easier. And I know from experience that disappointment is never fun and never easy.

 

I think I am strong enough to help get her through these disappointments, though. Because even if she can't have her daddy around, she will always have me. And having one parent is better than having no parents.

 

And I will be here to always remind her that her daddy loves her and would visit if he could. But times are hard and we have to be understanding. And hopefully, as she grows, she will really understand the situation we are in and learn to be happy with what little time and relationship she is able to have with her daddy.

 

Only time will tell.

 

I'm pretty sure one thing will never change, though...

 

Single mama moments suck.